Long post but I needed to get it all out!

I am so happy I found this group as we all are like minded on this topic to where we can feel safe and not judged like other places on this app.. well anyways, I’m writing this bc this morning my husband was watching porn in the bathroom (he was getting ready for work) while I was on the couch in the living room (it’s cooler in the living room then the bedroom right now in the Arizona heat). I’ve honestly been waiting for a moment like this so I could reflect back on how I feel as this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

Now reflecting back and giving you some background...

Last July I was a couple months pregnant with our daughter and as you can imagine, so many changes in your body occurring. One night my husband and I got into an argument, he went to the bedroom and I stayed in the living roll to watch TV. I was on Instagram (this is when you could see people’s activity- what posts they like, who they just followed, etc.) and I happen to see that my husband followed these two “hoe” pages.. while I was in the other room!!!!! Not only did I see it but one of my best friends saw it, screen shotted it and sent it to me. How embarrassing! I told him a few times before that incident that I don’t like him following those pages and he eventually unfollowed all pages like that. So when this happened I was so shocked! I went into the room to sleep but couldn’t so I left and went into the guest room where he followed me and asked if I was ok and to please come back to bed. I told him no and what I saw and how disgusting and embarrassed I was. He got so upset at himself that he made me feel that way and he was horny and followed those pages and jacked off. You could tell he was embarrassed by just telling me the truth in that moment. We had a discussion the next day and he voluntarily told me that he would stop watching porn. I said good for you. August comes around and I was out of town, but when I came back in town, we were out running errands and I was looking at photos on his phone in front of him and I see a screenshot of a porn video... someone couldn’t resist huh? I pointed it out and I tried discussing with him how it makes me feel and he always tries to normalize it. “All men do it.” Your dad does it, my dad does it.” “It’s a guy thing.” “It’s just watching people having sex.”

He knew I wasn’t happy and I shed a lot of tears. Well I thought maybe it’s just the hormones. But it was a topic again down the line where I would get the same responses.

Fast forward to a month or so ago.. somehow it gets brought up and he said “remember when you thought I was addicted to porn?” I said “yes, I do think you have an issue with it.” He proceeded to say the same bs as before then goes “seems like it’s still a sensitive subject.” NO SHIT!!!

Idk if it’s me but I think it’s gross and degrading that when he does jack off to porn in the mornings before work, he comes to kiss me goodbye like it ain’t no thing.

So I got to thinking more lately and haven’t brought any of this up to him for him to better understand... if that’s even a thing. But I used to NEVER care about porn with my exes. However, my relationship right before my husband, had a lot of issues with porn. He watched it extremely often, he followed all of these “hoe” pages on Instagram. I didn’t care at first.... until I found him cheating. Not physically but he was talking to some chick he used to bang, on Snapchat, and there were some saved nudes on there that he could’ve taken off when he reignited convo with her but he didn’t. This was only 2 months into our relationship. I was an idiot and stayed. 6 months later, he went out with some friends and he came home super drunk. I had a gut feeling something was going on so I got up in the morning for the gym and went pee (he was passed out by the toilet and his phone was there). I grabbed his phone and opened it to see him messaging not one, but two, of his exes!!! Again, I’m an idiot and stayed. Then about 5 months after that, his dad got a tattoo and he posted it on his story and some chick he used to bang messaged him saying “haha what is he doing” and since he opened it in front of me, I asked him what she was referring to. He said probably the photo of his dad. I was naive. Now thinking back, they were definitely talking and he deleted the thread on Instagram bc when you reply to someone’s story, it indicates that. So anyways, with all of that being said, I thought we had a good sex life, I thought I was enough. Idk if porn really has anything to do with it but whether it’s “hoe” pages on Instagram, talking with exes or porn, there’s an addiction there.

But I wasn’t and I carry it around with me every day. It effects me in my relationship to this very second.

My husband doesn’t know the details like I just explained. Idk how to tell him without him clapping back and normalizing it. I don’t like what porn, in any form, did to me, what it does to other people, what it makes anyone feel like in my position. I hate it and don’t know how to go about it. I’m almost embarrassed to express to him why I feel this way.

If you have read this far, thank you so much!!

Who Are Your Eyes Really For?