I am not a depressed person, usually. But I’m a critical care nurse and things have gotten so bad over the last month in my hospital and in my area with COVID that it’s really affecting me. (I feel terrible about saying this in the first place because the patients are the ones that are having a hard time- they’re literally fighting for survival). We have 31 patients in my unit that is meant for 19 beds, they are packed in like fucking sardines. Yesterday two patients started coding within seconds of each other and as I was on the coding team yesterday I had to choose who to go to, so I chose the younger one (a 33 year old parent of three - yes folks, it’s not only affecting old people). Others helped the other person but the person later died, they may have lived if I had gone to them. It’s horrible. We have a waiting list of 17 to get on our unit, and most of them will likely die waiting. I do not envy

Anyway, I can deal with the clinical stuff. This is what I was trained for. What pushed me over the edge last night was after my shift I went to the grocery store, already feeling fragile. I had on my mask, had changed clothes and shoes and showered, and in the PACKED grocery stores there were only 4 OTHER PEOPLE WITH MASKS ON!! (Besides the workers). THEN some asshole took it upon himself to yell at me for wearing a mask, saying this is all a hoax and I’m too young and won’t be affected and I’m the problem etc. I went off. I lost it. (Though he did shut up and stepped away when he heard what I did lol). I had to leave the grocery store because I was having a panic attack.

Then when I was home I watched a news video about my hospital and made the mistake of reading the comments. I don’t know what to do. These people just don’t care and don’t believe fucking anything. They’re not listening or taking any precautions and it’s going to get so much worse than it already is. My job is quickly going to become utterly futile. They obviously don’t care, so why should I? I just feel so fucking hopeless. I haven’t told anyone I’m struggling so much, and honestly I don’t know who to tell...my family is already so worried about me working period so I can’t tell them. There is a hotline at work but every time someone calls it they reassign or put them on light duty and I can’t do that to my coworkers. I have a couple of days off, I’m just going to rest and see if I feel better. If you read all this, thanks for listening. It helped to write and I feel calmer.

Also, please wear a mask and physical distance. Contrary to some people’s beliefs masks do work to protect others....it’s the same reason why I always wear one (every time in my 10 year career) when I would treat someone with cancer- to protect them from me. If more people wore them it wouldn’t be spreading so fast. Are they uncomfortable? Yes. Do I hate it too? Yes. But do I wear one all day everyday (when not alone)? Yes I do, because I don’t want to have to make decisions on who to help and who not to.

Update: Thank you all for all of your kind words and advice. You definitely restored my hope in humanity. I’m doing A LOT better now, even though the situation at the hospital is a lot worse. I reached out to the crises line they set up for frontline workers and I’m talking to a therapist which is helping me manage my stress immensely. Also, I am no longer going on social media (except glow) or reading comments on any YouTube videos. My husband could also tell I was really struggling and he’s put his foot down and moved me back in our room (I’ve been sleeping in the guest room so I don’t get him sick since April). While I’m terrified I could pass it on, I admit sleeping together again is exactly what I needed. I am located in North Texas and we’ve had a mandatory mask order in effect for two and a half weeks, and we’re already seeing new cases level out. That won’t do anything for the situation in the hospitals for about a month, but it’s still encouraging. Thank you so much for all of your kind words.

Depression/self harm/ suicide support