i just wanted to let this out somewhere cuz i have nobody else to tell this to

i’m tired of my life

i’m tired of doing everything my parents say just because they pay for me

i’m 20 and i’m practically living my life to please them but it’s making me so depressed

every aspect of my life is going good except for being home and my education

i dont want to go to college anymore

i know that sounds stupid but i just can’t stand to be in there

it makes me feel less of myself

and i’m wasting my dads money because i’m not sure what i wanna major in and every time i pick a major that i feel is what i wanna do later on i just feel unhappy with it

if anything i wanna take a year off so i dont potentially waste my fafsa

and i can expand my horizons and see if what i want to do with my life is really my calling

and if it is i wouldn’t have to go to school

i can figure it out on my own

but i can’t take charge of my life because my parents would kill me

they dont see any reason for leaving room for mental health

they just want me to get a degree in whatever they want so they can brag to their friends and family

and feel a sense of accomplishment for themselves

but if i were to do that for them i’d be wasting the rest of my youth

and it hurts because i have so much in store for myself

opportunities i can finally grab a hold of

but it won’t happen if they’re gonna continuously put their needs over mine

and truth is i have nobody to support me on this

nobody except for my boyfriend

but i’m scared because there’s no telling if whether or not him and i will last

he’s the only person who understands me or at least makes an effort to

but sometimes i can’t tell him much because it hurts him to know that my family doesn’t like him

especially because he tries so hard to keep me happy but the only thing they see is that he’s not part of the religion

my friends are good to me but they’re so busy with their own issues i don’t wanna burden with mine

and my siblings agree with my parents

they think i’m going down a bad road

and the thing is i’m not doing anything wrong

two years ago i was 10 times worse than now

i smoked every day, i was failing classes, i was in an abusive relationship that i couldnt get out of

and during that time my family thought i was doing just fine

but now that i’m actually happy (at least 50% of me is) and i’m far from that bad side of me, they think i’m terrible

they see that i’m becoming more outgoing and confident in myself they call it not having control over my life

the only reason it seems i dont have any control is because i’m making very big decisions based on what my family wants from me, not what i want

and what hurts the most is that i’m forced to be surrounded by people that literally tell me everyday i’m not doing good

and that i’m not going to do good

but when i try to surround myself with people that see my efforts

that see that i’m trying to make a better version of me

i get yelled at and threatened and have things that they did for me thrown at my face

i feel as if a days coming and i’m going to have to make a hasty decision based on what is best for me

and i’m scared that if i do that i won’t be able to have a good relationship with my family ever again

and quite frankly i dont know if that’s something i should even worry about anymore.

College