It has increased over the years. I always want to see my favorite school bus day by day, week by week, and year by year.

Backstory; I developed a crush on a boy 6 years ago. I was only 11 years old, and my crush was only 10 years old. We were in 5th grade, elementary school. It was our last year there. He was about an inch or so shorter than me, but he was so sweet, quiet, and timid. He talked very little but mostly to his friends and was often seen alone from time to time after hanging out with his friends. I thought he was different. He had a mole on his left side of his cheek. It was distinct, but everyone else it wasn’t noticeable. It wasn’t so big but small yet there. He was very beautiful, handsome, well-styled. Almost everyone said he was photogenic. I thought it was very cute. My crush was left-handed, but I found out almost the end of the school year. We got our yearbooks, and I flipped through the pages to find him. He was there. I saw him writing with his left-hand. He was very smart, too, intelligent young boy, but I noticed when we went to middle school.

However, during the last weeks of school, I became ever so obsessed with my crush. I started to look for his school bus number, but I couldn’t figure it out. I stayed after school because I was enrolled in a special program called National Honor Society—a program where gifted students went and stayed and held meetings and remained top of the class.

As I was waiting, I saw my crush leave and he was a bus rider. He had to go home in a public school vehicle called a school bus. I was amazed because I was picked up by one of my parents, but I just couldn’t help myself and spy on my crush—basically stare at him throughout the school day to observe his personality. I was a “stalker” as told by my classmates. His teacher knew my crush on him as well including my teacher, classmates, and friends. The entire grade level knew later on and caused a big drama thing (I created which I didn’t mean to) after students got confused on who I liked for a while.

Anyway, my parents both knew of my crush. I would always talk to them about my crush. They didn’t like it. My dad knew my crush since when my crush went to 4th grade in elementary school. I didn’t know that until when I was in 5th grade (my crush moved to my elem. school). They got annoyed basically.

It wasn’t unnoticed. My crush knew I liked him/had a crush on him.

Other students wanted us to hookup, but neither of us wanted to/liked the idea.

Things got worse as time went on. In 6th grade, middle school, my 5th crush was there. I also saw my 3rd grade crush there after he moved schools in 4th grade. They were both there, so I decided to stalk/spy on them. I was naïve. I was 12 years old. I kept this thing going, but I made new acquaintances and friends. I figured out both my crushes’ school bus numbers. I wrote them down somewhere. I also found out their school information including classroom numbers & teachers. It wasn’t so hard as they had a class behind mine. I looked outside a couple of times to check on them. They didn’t like it nor like me except my 3rd grade crush back then. He was the one who moved on. I didn’t. My 5th grade crush “hated” me for stalking him.

In 7th grade, I was so deeply attached to his school bus number, I basically followed it and took pictures, too. I did the same in 6th grade. However, I deleted those pictures. In 7th and 8th grade, I was so into my crushes that I snapped photos here and there and saved them instead on my phone. I did delete several, but my fantasy grew worse. I went ahead and almost kissed one of my crush’s school buses. A bus driver came out of nowhere to stop me from humiliation. I quickly ran inside the middle school building because I didn’t know but to my surprise I wasn’t alone. I kept staring at bus numbers and school buses. I was addicted.

I shared my experience to my parents then to the Internet. It was a bad idea to share virtually because they thought I was joking/trolling. Then I became an Internet troll who had a “fetish” for school buses. I was known as the school bus troll, and some believed I had a sick fetish for school buses. I already made inappropriate jokes about them like kissing them, being turned on by them, being too close to them, sweater weather, etc. I didn’t like the outcome, so I stopped this year, 2019. It was going on since 2017. I made social media accounts to publicize the fetish.

I airdropped students at my high school last year about the school buses. Everyone soon knew about the fetish thing I was trolling about on the Internet. I felt like a monster. I still airdropped anyway for 3 months or so. I stopped as things got worse. I stopped after not appreciating or enjoying the school year. I made it worse for everyone attending. I felt so horrible, despicable. I often cried myself to sleep several nights. It was that bad. I regretted everything since when I was born. I hated myself (I always did). I never liked who I became. I always thought of myself as a bad girl. I was troubled. I talked to some people, but it wasn’t enough to handle this situaion. I missed the school bus more and more after what I had done because it was gone (my favorite(s) one). My 5th grade crush moved before 9th grade. I still see my other crush in the hallways nowadays (3rd grade crush). But not only that, their school buses are gone, so are the bus drivers. I don’t know where they went or where they are now.

It feels so empty. I feel worthless. I have cried to sleep whether to keep on living or not. I made this mess, but I guess I figured out ways to get over them. It’s not quick but slowly. I put faith in God. I really hope he forgives me in my errors. I wish my crushes would see the real me. I wish I had the chance to apologize to them & to everyone else.

To this day, I feel that my comfort is my favorite school bus (number) which I don’t see anymore since last school year (one time or two). I only heard the school bus number this year through my bus driver’s walkie talkie. It was horrible. I always felt like it was raining and dark. I still have the stars and galaxies to see. The school bus was a terrible distraction and so were my crushes. I wish I was always looking up at the stars (a.k.a) stargazing. I mean, I have.

I remember the song Stargazing by Kygo.

It’s like long days I wish I had back. I wish I appreciated them more. I wish I appreciated life more instead of going out of my way to find school buses.

What do I do? It’s still in the back of my mind to find my favorite school bus. I want HONEST, sincere anwers.

* I’m still recovering from that. I was rejected by my crushes, too. I guess that is why I lingered onto school buses. My poor grandfather passed away this year, and I want to help my grandmother. Sometimes I feel so lost out here.

It’s sad knowing all these memories even happy ones, too. I love happy, positive memories, but I wish they lasted longer & I were to appreciate them more.

Mental Health