Okay. So first off I just want to say I know this may sound weird or maybe even desperate. I’m just a very confused person right now, these questions are to help me through this time not for me to decide anything, so any comments questions or advice is very much appreciated. Please no eye rolls.

Okay this might be a little long and weird but I’m just gonna start.

When I was maybe 9 I first started having sexual thoughts. I didn’t even really know what it meant at that time I just knew that it felt good. The first time I ever acted on it was at around 9 or 10 and all I did was google “boobs” lol. It would make me feel good but I never did anything to act on it besides look. I come from a very religious family and I always felt super guilty. At maybe 11 I was at a point where I discovered porn hub and I was using searches like “girls” “boobs” and I think I put it “lesbian” sometimes or at least similar stuff, you get the point. At that time I would act on it by (sorry) using a pillow and basically humping it. I could make myself orgasm that way. Every time when I finished I would cry and ask god to help me and make me stop. I used to cry and tell myself I made myself like to look at girls and that god didn’t make me that way.

Okay, I’m not done that was just some back story for a question later.

So I felt this way until about 13, when I met my future boyfriend. I still did stuff and felt the same, but at a less amount as I did less stuff. We got together and fast forward to now we are still together and I’m 17. A lot of my opinions have changed , and I’ve grown to see the toxicity in my family (overused word i know lol) anyway, I’m not religious anymore so I don’t feel guilty if I do anything. So that’s the backstory and now we get to my sorta questions. Always in the back of my head I had the question if did I like girls.

Since I have a boyfriend I’ve never been able to, like explore if that makes sense. I don’t plan to as I’m happy but I don’t know if im able to identify with being bi if I’ve never had any real experiences besides attraction to women I see in person, on social media and in porn.

My whole thing about posting this is to see if anyone has had this experience, or if any straight women have the same attractions maybe? Idk. Thank you for your time if tou read all of this, I know it’s a lot

Masterbating