I'm a FTM, my due date was 27th April and I had been practicing hypnobirthing to help me stay relaxed and calm during labour. I hoped for a water birth but I set expectations with myself that these things can't be planned and to go with the flow.

On Monday 1st May I woke up at 6am to a contraction. I'd say 6/10 on my pain scale. I breathed through it and wondered if this was the real thing or if it were just another false alarm. After 2 hrs the contractions were every 5 minutes and slowly getting more painful. It was the real thing. At 9am we decided to call the hospital to let them know that I was in labour and that we'd be heading in once they reached an unbearable level of pain or contractions were every 3 minutes. Because I had reported reduced movements in the past they asked me to go in right away to check the baby was ok. So we headed to the hospital which was 30 mins away (the car journey was horrendous). The baby was monitored and all was ok. I was examined and told my cervix is still thick and I'm only 1cm, she said they baby is back to back so progress will be slow and more painful than the typical labour but that I should have her within 36hrs. So I went home and continued to labour.

The following day (with no sleep) the pain was getting worse and now it was in my back too. The contractions were now every 3-4 minutes and 7/10 on my pain scale. We rang the hospital and were called back in. By mid afternoon I was examined and told i was 4cm. Her words were "congratulations you're 4cm, welcome to established labour". I was ecstatic. The next 3 hours I continued to labour and the contractions remained consistent. The midwife who carried out the first examination had finished her shift so the next one was carried out by another midwife. She examined me - Her face looked puzzled then she said that she was really sorry but the previous examination was wrong and that I am only 2cm. I felt devastated, disappointed, defeated snd exhausted. I wanted to cry but I didn't want to stress so took some deep breathes and told myself that there was an end to this and just to be patient and strong. By this point the contractions were hard to breathe through and I was moaning through the out breaths. Though I wasn't officially in established labour the midwife offered me pain relief and to stay in the hospital as progress was taking so long as the baby was back to back. I opted to go home and continue to labour where I felt a little more relaxed, plus I felt so let down I just wanted to be away from the midwife even though it wasn't her fault. So I went home and laboured through to Thursday am, but at 3am I couldn't cope any more. Id had no sleep since Sunday, I couldn't breathe through them anymore and the back pain was horrendous, I was about 8/10 pain scale. I headed to the hospital and accepted the offer for pain relief. I had pethidine and was put into a ward to sleep. I could still feel the contractions but they we're bearable so I managed to cat nap between them on and off for an hour and a half. At 11am I was examined again - I was 4cm. I cried happy tears!!!! I was then transferred to the birth place.

The room was stunning and had a relaxed vibe. Though in tremendous pain by this point I was on a high that things were finally progressing.

I laboured in the pool (which was amazing for relaxing) for 2hrs when my waters broke, suddenly I felt the urge to push. My body was pushing hard so I went with it but the back pain on top of the contractions was getting unbearable to manage on just gas and air. 2hrs later no sign of baby and the pushing was becoming exhausting and I wasn't coping. The midwife examined me - I was only 6cm. Because the baby was back to back she was pushing down on my cervix which was making my body push though even though it wasn't open enough yet. My body was basically forcing my baby through a closed cervix. I was mortified!!!! How much longer can this take, how much more pain can I take, I can't handle this anymore!!!! At this point I asked for pethidine. 30 mins later I couldn't feel any effects, it hadn't touched the sides and I was starting to become hysterical, I wasn't breathing through the contractions and I was telling myself I couldn't do it anymore and being so loud through every contraction - basically everything that I promised myself I wouldn't be in labour and taught myself to manage through by practicing hypnobirthing. It all went out of the window. Another 2 hours passed and I begged for an epidural. They wheeled me round to a room where a doctor started prepping the epi. But my baby started to go into destress, her heart rate dropped and before I knew it there was 6 midwives and doctors around me. I was told I need to get he baby out quick so asked if I still wanted an epi. At this point I said no let's just get on with it. I pushed for what felt like an eternity but baby was still in destress and wasn't coming down easily so they decided to carry out an episiotomy and warned me that I may need forceps. I pushed more as hard as I could with all my energy (with no pain relief by this point). At 17:12 my baby girl was finally born. All 7lb 4oz, and my god she is beautiful.

In summary I had a very long labour because my princess was back to back, this is common but typically babies turn just before or during labour, my stubborn girl didn't which made the pain worse, the pushing start too early ending in her getting stuck and in destress.

I'm a realist. I understand that things don't always happen as planned or hoped and that labour is out of our control but I cannot help but feel sick to my stomach when I think about my labour experience. How I let myself down for losing control and how I let my husband down too. I feel like I was an absolute nightmare person in those last hours and I hate myself for it. I don't know how I get over these emotions because ultimately it is what it is and I've got my little miracle to show for it but I'm really struggling to digest and accept what happened without feeling like a complete failure. I'm hoping that by writing it down and sharing I feel a sense of relief.

Thanks mummas xx

Apr '17 Babies