My beautiful daughter was "born" on the 23rd by c-section. I had a nonprogressive 17 hour labor and even after receiving the highest drip of pitocin per hour, I still wouldn't go past a 7. My doctor suggested that even though I was dead set on an all natural birth, (wanted at home birth but the midwife didn't accept insurance.) I should get the epidural because it might relax everything down there enough to help me start dialating. Ultimately wanting what was best for my baby, I agreed. Several hours later, I was still a 7, so he put in the internal contraction monitor (tells how strong they are) and waited 20 minutes to see how they were doing. He said I was having off the charts strong contractions so there was no reason that baby wasn't coming. He said these strong of contractions are the ones that you have when you're pushing and I was still a 7. He said a c-section would be the best option before baby went into distress. I agreed because I wanted my baby to be healthy. She ended up having a true knot in her umbilical cord and the doctor said that it was a blessing that I couldn't deliver because if I would've been able to deliver vaginally, her moving any further down into my pelvis would've exploded the cord and we both would've bled to death before we even made it to the operating room. Then after birth, I found out that my nipples are too flat to breast feed. I tried from 12:08 until 4:30 to breast feed but my baby couldn't latch. I had a hicky on the top part of my areola from where she sucked because she couldn't tell the difference between my breast and my nipples. I had two lactation consultants tell me that I would only be able to breast feed if i used this device that hooks to my nipples. It is a round plastic thing with holes that sucktions to my nipple makig a false larger nipple so she could latch. She wouldn't latch on that either. Not even the lactation consultant could get her to latch onto it. So I've been pumping to give her atleast a tiny bit of the benifits of breast feeding... but even pumping several times a day and increasing the time every time (even if no milk comes out because supply and demand) I barely get enough for one feeding. I have been having to use formula. I am such a naturalist about this stuff and it is killing me. I feel like I have failed as a mother and a woman. I couldn't push my baby out of me (I know that we both would've died if I could've been able too, but I had a birth plan and it 100% didn't happen at all), I can't breast feed, I can't give my baby everything that is best for her, I will never be able to give my future babies more than 39 weeks (they had to cut me hip to hip, in a huge incision because they had to pry her head from my hips) because the doctor said they had to make my incision so large that if I was to go into labor again, I have over a 90% chance of my uterus rupturing and losing the baby and my life... I understand that it was medically necessary but I feel worthless. I want to give my babies 40 weeks, breast milk by mouth to breast feeding (it feels so intimate and close when she was trying and it hurts tk know I won't get that), a home birth, a vaginal birth... just what a woman should be able to do. :'( I have been crying constantly and am scared to ask for help because if I do have postpartum depression, the medicine I will be put on will make me have to stop trying to breastfeed. Does this sound like postpartum depression or just normal mourning over not being able to be a real women? <\3 I need to know because I can't keep crying and beating myself up over situations I can't control... but it is just too hard for me to cope with my body not being capable like other women who can give their babies everything and I have nothing... I can't even give 40 weeks or breastmilk. :'(