This is gonna be long but I need to get it out my system. From a young age my family used to call me chubby and stuff like that. By the time I was 13 I had an eating disorder. I starved myself so that I could be the thin one off all my cousins because I felt so judged by everyone. After doing this I started getting a little attention as my body was maturing. I lost weight and I started to gain a figure. And I got my first proper boyfriend. But my closest "friends" treated me like shit, always made out they was joking making little comments about me but I started to cut my self. Me and my boyfriend was together for a year and a few months but ended messy when he stabbed me with a pair of small scissors and cheated on me. A month after breaking up with him, heart broken already as I thought he was the love of my life I was 14 and raped by an old friend. I didn't tell anyone at first but in school a few days later I told my friend who helped me tell a teacher and then my parents and the police it was him who told people he'd had sex with me but that wasn't the case. He'd just told everyone I was lying when I told then what happened and nobody believe me not even the friend I went to because his "proof" I was lying as I didn't take him to court but the only reason I did was because I was told he wouldn't go down and I thought, why put myself through it? I then started to get bullied at school and over social media. I got with my current boyfriend on my 15th and he's also been cheating on me and we argue and I just feel so insecure and vunruble because i annoy everyone. I'm scared to sleep because I get horrible nightmares about the rape and I tried to talk to my boyfriend but we just get into arguments as he feels I talk to often and I'm badgering him. It makes me feel so shit and needy because he doesn't really care how I'm feeling and I could never sleep knowing he was dying inside. I can't talk to anyone😭 I honestly feel  that if I didn't feel so guilty about making my parents feel bad and sad and causing problems. I'd be dead. I can't do anything without causing a problem. Not even die😭I'm so suicidal