In-Laws? Complicated

Question

Hi ladies, I sure could use some fresh perspective. Sorry in advance that this is long and complicated! So right now I am currently separated from my husband because he has been verbally abusive and physically threatening toward me since the premature birth of our daughter last April. We are in counseling and I don't know at all what our future looks like. Some days seem hopeful and others seem like no change has happened at all. I don't plan to go back unless my counselor thinks it's safe. But I do still hope that one day things will be fixed and I can return to our home together someday. That being said, my husband's brother is getting married this weekend and I'm invited to the wedding. That whole side of the family doesn't understand my issues with my husband at all and they think I need to suck it up and come home "where I belong." So they're pretty ticked at me I guess. It's awkward. Anyway, I want to have a good relationship with the family so when/if my husband and I reconcile there won't be bad blood between me and his family. But I just don't know what my role/responsibility should be during this wedding week. Ordinarily I would volunteer my time to help with wedding prep in any way I could. But I feel weird offering in our current situation. But I don't want to come across as unhelpful or standoffish when that's one of his complaints against me that he tells his family. What should I do?

Answer

I wouldn't go at all. You don't "owe" his family anything, you are seperated from your husband for a good reason. His family only sees his side because he obviously whines to them about how everything is your fault. If you don't feel comfortable then don't go. It sounds like you've been courteous and unselfish long enough regarding the relationship with your husband. That's his family and they obviously take his side, so why do they deserve to have a relationship with you right now? If they question why you're not coming, you let them just wonder. Your husband needs to take the responsibility of letting his family know the real reason why you won't attend, and if he doesn't and he just keeps blaming you then that's not your problem. Just focus on you and your kids, that's the best thing you can do for yourself right now :)

Answer

Why go ? Why do you want to go? Fix what you need to with your husband or with out? But you don't owe them anything

Answer

I would just say if there's anything you need let me know and then the balls in their court, you look helpful and it's unlikely they'd ask you anyway

Answer

I would casually offer your help but if they turn it down don't like hang around and try to be useful, just leave it be Yanno?

Answer

Put the burden on them. You were invited and if you would like to be there to support your in laws, then you should find a way to do that in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Like others suggested, I would offer your help and services if anything is needed and then it is on them.

Answer

I'm not controversy at all but baby if you feel awkward engaging with his family that is completely normal. My mom went through something similar with my fathers family they expected her to stay with my dad and it was awkward being around them, obvious reasons. Find something else todo or lie... If you don't want to go. Don't be pressured. Hope your conseuling gets y'all through this rough patch.

In-Laws? Complicated

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