I've been in a relationship since I was 14 with a guy who's 4 years older. This is a very young age to start dating someone seriously. However, we are still together. Through the course of our relationship we've become best best friends. He was my friend first before he was ever my boyfriend. Anyways, we've both struggled with commitment and messing around by talking to other people through our relationship. We both love eachother though. 2 years ago I went kind of crazy seeing that I was finally in college and started meeting people. I went off on a crazy drinking phase and eventfully wanted to hang out w my girl friend who was going through a breakup. I found myself over at her house After stressful night classes to drink it off. Meanwhile her being single, I brought myself down to being depressedbecause I kind of liked the living on the edge feeling, parting, having friends over, no worries no commitment.  while I turned into a little party animal and found myself growing apart from my partner who I love. I started hanging out with my friend and not my boyfriend . For us this was very uncommon. We were and have always been the kind of couple that was around eachother as much as we could  Eventually within 2 months of this, We took a break. I found myself unhappy with him, and found reasons to argue and blamed them for the trason of us needing a break. for the first time since I lost my virginity to my boyfriend at 14, I  slept with 2 different guys and felt horrible. That was the first time it had ever happened. My boyfriend and I were broken up for 2 months.  But, during that time I began to just feel confused as a single girl. I didn't know what I wanted? To be in a relationship, or to be single? I masked my emotions with more alcohol and music. For about 2 months during the holiday season I found myself numb. Finally, after celeberating my first New Years without my bf of 4 years then, I started to realize how much I was spiraling out of control. I didht wanna live the party life anymore and I went back to him. He  probably shouldn't had taken me back, but.. We love eachother so much that we couldn't even stay away if we tried. We got back together, I rededictated my life to the Lord... And we started working on us. One of the guys I slept with 2 years ago got ahold of me. we started texting flirty and eventually met up and just slept together 2 weeks ago. Within the past 3 years my guy has gained so much weight and I find myself picking at things he does and how they drive me crazy. . I'm living 2 separate lives. How have I come down to this? Here I am talking about a wedding and babies with my boyfriend, and on the other half im this sex kitten who feels young and vibrant without any cares. I don't know if it's because ultimately I've never experienced single life as an adult, or if I'm just finding things with the other guy that I don't with my boyfriend? I know it's so wrong. But, I'm stuck. What do I do guys? Stay with the boyfriend who loves me so much? Or leave him to be single free and ultimately lost. Seems like I just wanna have fun because I'm young. Maybe commitment scares me more than I realize?