Serious rant. Mental health treatment with NHS.
Ok so 15 months ago (Jan 2015) was my first admission to a psychiatric ward for a month, then i was in again in May 2015. In January i was promised EMDR and group therapies for my trauma and Im still without any therapy. Fast forward to October 2015 i found out i was pregnant and because i was giving birth in a different hospital, they moved my treatment to a different trust in the next city so i could have psych nurses on standby during my pregnancy and after labour to immediately begin meds the second the baby came out to avoid PND/psychosis because my risks were high. So the new mental health team I have are just as useless as the other team. I have a new consultant ive seen once (she said she wanted to see me again in 10 weeks, i was ill and missed that appointment so she got pissy and said she wont see me now until August, great help😕) my cpn is useless she didnt even tell me she was my CPN (community nurse) who is supposed to come to you when youre in serious distress. I miss appointments some days which is understood because of my condition so why doesnt she offer to come see me or inform me that i can contact her for help and she can pay a home visit and calm me down/give me a sedative but instead i have to go to this place to see her, i have panic attacks on the floor to the point i cant feel my hands or face and im screaming these weird ass noises and my clothes are stuck to me with sweat and she just sits staring, watching my every move saying "its ok your just having an attack", yeah no shit sherlock. They last a good 25minutes, she knew this and still made me endure it in her room when she had the power to hand me a diazepam, knowing thats my prescription anyway😡. I got my first appointment with the therapist on this team a month ago, i told her everything, the different forms of abuse and issues i am having and she was shell shocked. I went in a second time and she said shes not going to work with me anymore (still in assessment phase) and wants to pass me on to drug addiction services (i smoke one bowl at night to cure insomnia), its a habit not an addiction, i start and stop as i please and i spend £20 a fortnight on it. And she referred me to self harm services (i havent self harmed since Jan 2015, over a year ago?!?!!!!!!).
I feel like im being carelessly threw around and they dont know what to do with me. I know what i need and its intense therapy. My mum is very abusive and eggs on her bf to do things the past 20 years. I was cinderella and raised my siblings and now shes taken them away after me and her fought because shes became estranged and wont allow contact between us with absolutely no grounds, she has even brought the kids to a mental ward to see me:/. Even though i put on an act for them, super happy super playful, love them with every bone in my body, she knows too well deep in her heart what im like when it comes to the kids. my lawyer has been in contact with her and shes telling the world i have schizophrenia and refusing meds and brainwashing her kids, all because she cant cope with what im dealing with (rape) because it happened to her and she couldnt protect me from it. So im in family court, everything is in my favour, they have done a background on me, approved I am fully able to be surrounded by the kids and shes lying and contradicting herself and been caught out. The kids have been in my care countless times, unsupervised in my home, just me and them and we have a whale of a time lol.
I have post traumatic stress, but im a qualified nursery assistant and have been around children every day of my life, i love kids and im very over protective, anyone who knows me KNOWS how i am with children, regardless of where my heads at with my own crap.
I feel now if the courts get a sniff of this mental health team passing me off to ADDICTION services and SELF HARM services, wtf is that going to look like to the courts? Just because NHS have let me down. 15 months waiting on a therapy ive been promised. I wont get to ever see the kids again and theyre the reason i plough through every day. When im down, i think of them and it takes me out of the dark place. Im trying to help myself, ive recently applied for college for biomedical science and im trying self help, ive began yoga and relaxation for stress relief. Im trying.
What will i do about this issue with these referrals for services i honestly dont need that are going to cause alot more damage and stress in my life when im trying to recover? I just want a normal life, why is my mum doing this why cant she look in her heart and stop listening to her narcissistic arrogant asshole of a boyfriend and love me and support me instead of making my life more difficult for no valid reason, just pure spite. Why cant my "care providers" pull their finger out and actually give me therapy? They say the waiting lists are for 3 months, so why am i still waiting 15 months after 2 hospital admissions? If they want to stop the chances of me self harming ever again when im in serious distress, why cant they address the real issues at hand that i need help with? Wtf can i do i feel im at a loss here, my sisters are my main concern here, theyre my world and all i want is to take them on day trips, to amusements, the cinema, parks/picnics. But instead my mum wants to keep them locked in their bedrooms. My 8 yr old sister actually whats apped me a couple months ago saying she wanted to die and maybe then she'll be happy. Like wtf?????????? What am i to do? I feel my PTSD is a huge barrier to me living a normal life, its always being used against me. Something i have no control over and something that is managable purely for the kids sake. My mums acting like the perfect parent to everyone but i know the truth i remember all the "drop dead" "youre ugly as fuck" comments and being beat until my skin stings and she sold speed from the kitchen of our home. I would never tell any authority because the kids will end up in care and i cant be the reason for their lives being ruined. I just want to improve their lives and be able to take them away from it all. Fuck my life 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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