stills hurts like it were yesterday...

my 5th miscarriage, which was my last, 2 years ago. I have nightmares about the day it happened. when I passed the baby, I was sitting in the tub, crying, losing what hold I had on everything. I held my baby, in the palm of my hand (still in the sac that wasn't even as big as a dime) just big enough to see the heartbeat, until the tiny little heart couldn't fight anymore. I can't not think about it everyday. Christmas Day was my due date, and this time of year is completely killing me. losing them all hurts so much, but the last is the only one I got to hold.