I have had depression for years. 9-10 I started watching my weight. 14 I started cutting. I cut on this past Sunday. It was a year I hadn't cut and I cut Sunday. Pathetic much. Yes. VERY. But I don't regret. I look at it and I needed it. I needed it.

I had a hard time with the first month of my son being born. I hated him. And yes I wanted him. We tried for our baby...and I...hated...him.. I regretted him.. I am horrible.

So many woman want babies. And here I was. Miserable and hating my nb baby.

I'm a step mom too. And we only see them on weekends or so... I'll tell you it's the hardest thing. I feel like a horrible step mom. I feel like a horrible mom.

I grew up with my gma. My dads a drunk. My mom a worthless welfare whore. Literally. Fucks men in a bar, gets knocked up and lives off welfare. Ha. shit.

I'll never be my mom or dad. I Will be a good momma.

But I have been scared and worried about being such a bad mom... and I seem to prove to myself daily that I am. I'm horrible. I don't ALWAYS have a lot of patience.

My step daughter cries when we have Her on weekends. For no reason but I'm honestly beginning to believe its me. My step son says their grandma drinks ((their mom and them have lived with her parents since the divorce almost 4 years ago)) and gets mean when they dont do things right.... what ever that means... he usually says I don't know..

My bf even once told me in a fight his ex is a better mother. But I really know better. And so does he... but it hurts so bad.. and it's forever in my mind.

. Always... replaying. I cant stop It..

I try hard. But his kids get away with things that aren't ok with us. Such as belching. I grew up coving my mouth and saying excuse me. His ex.. their mother don't care.

I'm set in my ways but some times I feel like such a stupid control freak.

I'm rambling. Babbling. I can't tell you how many Times I've shut my Facebook off so I wouldn't vent on there.. I guess here I feel I can vent more.

I'm ashamed of myself. Who I am.. hate myself. Tired. Of trying.

I feel like everything would be better off without me.

I'm numb. I'm empty. I care--have cared so much and I just get kicked in the face.

I feel worthless. I am. I'm an asshole.

The world is better off without me.

Xoxo B