I don't need or want your judgement I'd like serious & considerate help
When I was younger a family member very close to my age witnessed his mother and her boyfriend doing some things a 6 or 7 year old at the time should never witness. He in turn convinced 6/7 year old me to do those things with him. At the time I knew it was wrong, we did everything secretly. This went on for years, I've been able to forget or block the details, so I can't remember if it was penetrative or not. Anyway, since we were so young I considered him my friend. I trusted him and we experimented with each other for years until I started paying attention in church, understood the intensity of what we were doing (as best as a 12/13 year old could) and broke it off. I am almost 23 years old and this is the first time I'm mentioning this anywhere, so no, I never "told on him". Although I don't believe I can, I may have been young but I doubt the rest of the family will understand anything other than we both participated in these acts.
There was a phase where (after I ended everything) I still sort of wished it continued. When we were younger he would grope me and hump me in my sleep, so when we got older I would pretend I was asleep so he could "have his way with me". I know this is wrong and luckily there's always been someone or something there to stop him but I still got the flashes of desire for him. He's the only person I've ever "been with" and yes ITS COMPLETELY WRONG but I think it's comfort I found in him.
We pretend we're good when we are around family and friends but (even though we were the same age and both participated) he makes my skin crawl. I hate him. I wish death on him all the time, even though I don't mean it, I wish he'd die or disappear from my life forever. I hate thinking this way but it's not until recently these feelings have resurfaced and I have no idea what to do with them.
Now since I've never said anything to anyone we see each other often. At one point I was able to convince myself that I'd forgiven him and myself but because of everything we've done I was introduced to sex at a very young age and now, even though I consider myself a virgin, I crave sex ALL the time. I think I'm addicted to porn and masturbation, and maybe i think I might like incest porn. But I'd like to recover. I'd like to forgive him once and for all and move past this. I'd like to heal but I don't know how. Help please.
Ps can anyone confirm whether or not this is considered molestation?
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