All of a sudden he starts talking about 'the baby' and where we would put 'the baby's cot.' I did not want to answer but he kept pushing. Eventually I just asked him why this was so important. He said he wanted to be prepared and wanted to plan and talk about the baby so that making it would be a happy event. 

I burst into tears and we ended up not having sex. I was in a proper crying fit, sobbing. 

Truth is, TTC has not been a happy matter at all for me. He does not have time to talk to me about any of my feelings ever, and I cry alone, am sad by myself every month. I put on a smile for him during baby making time each month. 

It's been 19 months. I don't allow myself the privilege of thinking about being pregnant or conceiving the baby. Every month I do everything I can to remain neutral and not get my hopes up because I'll end up in floods of tears otherwise. It is my survival mechanism during TTC. He's right, he thinks it's normal to be happy when making a baby. That's for people not struggling, for those who still have stars in their eyes and excitement when they think of testing. Months of failed tests, failures, hating my body, feeling hopeless, saying goodbye to the potential baby every time AF comes- it has turned me into a great big mess. I don't ever entertain the notion that I will conceive...I don't allow myself to dream anymore. 

I'm crazy. I think I really am. So we missed peak day this month because of this stupid meltdown. 

Please, please, any advice is helpful. My husband must think I'm completely barking mad.