I wrote a letter to "bean"

A letter to "Bean"...

Daddy asked mommy for another baby for a couple of years. Mommy really wasn't ready until this year. So the time finally came.

We wanted you so badly. The moment I seen two lines I started shaken in disbelief! I mean sure .. We knew it was going to happen, yet still such a shock of happiness the moment that faded second line popped up. Mommy immediately started researching (yeah she's crazy) I just HAD to know what was going on in there every single minute! You are so tiny! A size of a poppyseed! How in the world could you make me love you so much, so fast? 

Mommy was like immediately sick with morning sickness..., but mommy didn't mind she loved every moment of it. You wouldn't let me eat at all at first. Don't worry though mommy always made sure you had what you needed! You already made mommy and daddy SO happy. Daddy hugged you before you even knew it. I showed your brother and sister what you looked like by taken a peppercorn and holding it in my hand to compare.  I held it in my hand and made believe it was you. Heart so full of love. A few days go by mommy starts feeling "off" mommy starts to bleed, you scared mommy so badly she left work, and mommy scared daddy. Everyone that talked to mommy said you were ok and that mommy was just a worry wart, but that's what mommies do! So mom went to the doctors, got blood taken every two days for 5 days! What a super long weekend! Longest weekend of mommies life it felt like... The day came where mommy went to the doctors, she convinced me you were growing! Just like you were suppose to! What a sigh of relief from both mommy and daddy!! 

Yet, mommies heart and mind still was not convinced (see I told you mommies worry a lot!!) Moms just know these things! So mommy finished the work week off. Loving every second of it! Constantly looking at her reflection in the cars and mirrors  staring at her belly SO excited to watch you grow! Her hand always on her belly holding you the only way she knew how. Mommy begged you "grow baby grow" I said that a lot. Or, " stick baby!!" Begging you to stay with mommy. See, mom was just soooo worried about you. You little (tiny) trouble maker. The weekend came it was officially two weeks since we got the "two lines" that said you were in mommies belly. We went out with auntie Sarah and the boys to the park. We came home cleaned and took a nap. Good day. The next morning mommy took a shower and then started to fold that ugly pile of laundry that she was sick of looking at! Mommy had to pee AGAIN! Then... I happened, I seen blood. My  heart dropped. Mommy knew. Mommy knew that day I was looking forward to in the future to hold you and kiss you ... Was over. Mommy was so scared. Mommy assured daddy she was okay, mommy lied to daddy that day. Mommy never lies to daddy. Mommy cried as she walked to the hospital. Begging you to prove her wrong. Why? Why did you have to go bean? We loved you so much! Mommy was in the hospital for what felt like forever! The doctor looked in mommys belly. ... And you were gone bean. You left without saying goodbye to mommy. Mommys heart still hurts so much. Mommies heart and womb is empty, but you left a tiny little imprint in there. Mommy and daddy will never forget. Mommy is sorry that you weren't strong enough to stay in mommies belly. Mommy and daddy is sorry we will never get to hold you for the first time. Bean, no matter what ... Even though you aren't in my womb anymore you are always in our hearts. Bean, this is mommy and daddy's farewell. I hope one day we will meet again, and we will get to hug you for the very first time like we always wanted to do. Mommy and daddy love you. Thank you for bringing SO much love into our lives even if it was for a short few weeks. Goodbye our "mean green bean". 

6/5/16