Do I need to alert him that if relationship goals aren't met in a certain amount of time I can't stick around and wait?

Question

We've been together for 5 and a half years and and if by year 9 we aren't at least engaged I can't sit and wait.

Marriage is complicated with him, his mother cheated on his father all 30 years of marriage so he is skeptical of it.

Yet at the same time he says he would like to be married but doesn't plan on being any time soon.

I would like to be married before having kids and I'm 27.... So in four years I'll be 30 and I would like multiple children about 4 years apart.

I don't really want to say, "give me a ring in the next few years or we are over," because I feel like it would be a shut-the-f-up ring, and I don't want to pressure him into it.

Maybe I am over thinking this.

He seems willing to knock me up, but not to marry me. It is a hassle to get him to wear protection.

I love him I really do. I just need more of a commitment before having his kids and I feel like I'm running out of time...

Do I tell him?

Should I change my values about kids before marriage?

Should I forget the whole thing?

Answer

I dnt believe in ultimatums buttt there is nothing wrong with rxpressings your desires, needs, and expectations for the future and if he feels .... his dnt match then he can do whats best for him. And honestly although certain things from our past can hinder us.... we do what we "desire" to do. If he wants to marry... hell marry.

Answer

First I have to say that I personally would not wait 9 years for a man to propose to me. But you do have to think about yourself. What I mean is that you have a plan for your life and he is fully aware of that. You can't force him to marry you and who knows if he'll actually change his mind in another 4 years. If it were me I would think about whats important to me. If marriage is really what you want then it may be best to leave the relationship. Sometimes leaving will show the other person how much they actually want to be with you and if not you can move on and find someone who wants the same things you do. It's never an easy decision but if you keep putting his needs ahead of yours you're going to grow to resent him. And even more so if you waste another 4 years and he still doesn't want to get married then that's time you'll never get back.

Answer

I have to comment, I think you are giving him too big of a window. Also, if you don't communicate your wants and desires woth him how is he supposed to know? It doesn't have to be an aggressive ultimatum, more like a calm discussion about where you see yourself in the future. Does he know everything you just told us? I took a similar approach to my ex. Very similar situation. I left himat 7.5 years. He was never going to commit to me and I was bad about dealing with the issue. I am now happily married to someone else and pregnant with our first child. Life is SHORT. Your fertility is not guaranteed and you may not always be able to have multiple children 4 years apart. Don't give this guy your youth.

Answer

I have very different views on marriage. If you love someone, and want to be with them, you shouldn't need to have a piece of paper to progress your life together. I've been with my partner for over 6 years, we live together, share everything, and have baby 2 & 3 on the way. I don't see us getting married anytime soon. And I'm more than ok with that. I actually think I'm more ok with it than he is. But a piece of paper isn't going to change anything in our lives or how we live them. I think our families have a bigger problem with us not getting married than we do. 
That being said, if you hold a high value in marriage, and feel like you really need to be married before starting a family then he needs to know this. I can understand him being slightly scarred from his parents relationship, but you are not his mom. And he can't hold her actions against you. The best thing you can do is talk to him and let him know your feelings about getting married and having kids and the timeline you see for these things. See if there is some kind of compromise you can come to that helps him feel comfortable about it.

Answer

I didn't know how to vote. But I would let him know that, say you will be married before you have kids....and you would like to started at age 30....? Maybe something like that. My brother finally married his fiancé after 9years if it makes you feel better. Our...parental marriage role models were pretty screwed up too so....don't give up!

Answer

Tell him you're thinking about ttc soon but you'd like to be married first

Answer

Girl you are stronger then me. I would say if it's been more then 3 years without an engagement there's a serious problem.

I've been dating my fiancé for 2.5 years and we got engaged two months ago.

I would definitely talk to him about this issue because it's a big one, you don't want to waste any more time on a man who isn't willing to fully commit if that's all you want.

Answer

I'd honestly ask him to go to therapy.

And then talk to him about it with the therapist who would be an impartial third party so he doesn't feel like he's being jumped.

Answer

I believe if you have goals and expectations those should be shared. Also if it is your goal to be a wife one day,  I think 9 years is entirely too long to play that game.

Answer

I think when you go along with that one long serious relationship and date again, it's the FIRST thing a "grown ass woman" puts in the table!  I use that term playfully and am certainly not implying you aren't!  You deserve and are entitled to an answer to that question and although he's not a bad guy for not knowing, it's time he grew up and faced that consequence in his relationship and decide if he doesn't then he needs to let you go because he loves you and wants the best for you!  You aren't selfish for wanting commitment!  You are taking care of you!  I personally want a strong marriage and if I make the guy go along with what I want and he doesn't, there may be problems in the future!  Been there done that and two of them are 40 and still aren't married and still don't want kids!  My best years wasted!  If you want that then know you deserve it and it is yours!

Do I need to alert him that if relationship goals aren't met in a certain amount of time I can't stick around and wait?

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