I don't know why I do this to myself

Avery • Married my best friend May 7, 2016 💍 currently TTC our first child. Husband is a Russian citizen and I am a American.
I'm watching gender reveal videos and live pregnancy test on YouTube and literally crying my eyes out as my husband is taking a nap. I just want this so bad. I beg and pray it happens soon. Please pray for me and my family