I had a mmc at 9 weeks in January. My edd was August 18th. I imagined what it would be like spending the summer pregnant. I knew it would mean less trips, fewer adventures, less time in the sun, and taking it easy on the sidelines. I imagined being exhausted from the heat and trying to find clothes that would fit my pregnant belly yet keep me cool. But now it's five months since my loss and I'm still not pregnant. So last weekend I wore my bikini and spent 6+ hours on a hot beach. I go rollerblading with my husband once a week. I have that can of caffeinated soda. But while I try to enjoy and be in the moment, my heart is not there. My heart is aching because I shouldn't be doing these things. I shouldn't be planning a camping trip for this coming weekend where lots of hiking is involved. I shouldn't be asked to participate in 3k runs with inflatable obstacle courses. I should be having a baby shower. I should be painting the nursery. I should be watching my husband putting baby furniture together. Ugh as much as I am dreading my due date I wish it would just come and go already.