I guess I should start with some background. I'm 19. I've been living my own for 2 years. I wasn't TTC. I had had two miscarriages previously (both times I hadnt known I was pregnant until the bleeding and pain came found out by er trips). I was taking birth control regularly, but my doctor had just switched up what I was taking due to insurance changes. I had warned my boyfriend at the time that we had to be careful.

I started thinking I might be pregnant while I was at work. The smell of the ground beef patties cooking on the grill made me naseuas. I knew it was too soon to test based off of my last period so I waited. I told a couple of my closest friends that I thought I might be pregnant. A week went by and it was time to test. I got an invalid test the first day. The second day I took a test at school which came back positive. I told my boyfriend (once again at the time) after I told my mom and my best friends because I knew he was NOT going to be excited. I sent him a text while he was at work, "When you get home I'd like to talk. Just us." He knew before I even said it because I had been getting naseua all the time and my sense of smell was definitely heightened (I lived with him, his brother, and another male friend. They weren't very good at the whole cleaning thing). He told me he wanted me to get an abortion which he also knew was not going to happen. He said, "Let's just hope you have a miscarriage then." He marched me all the way to Family Dollar to buy another pregnancy test to take in front of him. We were screaming back and forth and I was crying the entire way. By the time we get back to our apartment it is after 7pm. The test comes back negative. He automatically assumed it's a false alarm because I just got a negative despite my telling him a false positive is way less likely than a false negative. So I called my OBGYN to set up a blood test. I had to wait 10 days. We didn't talk about the baby or the pregnancy. He didn't want me to tell anyone I was pregnant and was mad that other people had known before he had. I thought about how hard it would be to be single mom, but how much harder it'd be to give up my baby for adoption as he wanted me to if I went to term. I was only 18. No high school diploma yet, had a minimum wage job, no licence, no credit, no car, I smoked cigarettes, I had had a chest X-ray without any protection for the baby because I told the nurse I couldn't possibly be pregnant before I was aware that I was. But what scared me most was despite the fact the pregnancy was unwanted in his eyes I actually started to have inklings of hope for this baby. I started having dreams about handsome little boys with all sorts of mixed features between the two of us. And on September 16th the day before my blood test I finally got excited. I researched single mother living, the safest car seat, bought a pregnancy book, made a baby checklist, a wish list for the baby on Amazon, and even began talking to that precious growing bean. During the wish list making I got up to go to the restroom and noticed a little bit of blood in my underwear. So I stayed in bed taking it easy. But the bleeding got worse. I called my doctor. And she told me to go to my OBGYN appointment as planned and they would get it all straightened out. I took the blood test and waited a couple days for the results even though I already knew it was too late.

Ever since Mother's Day I've been having dreams of a baby clothed in blue or wrapped in blue blankets. I am currently in a new relationship as my ex and I didn't last a month after the miscarriage. My current boyfriend and I have discussed having children in the future and my previous miscarriages. But I can't seem to get rid of the dreams of my little boy being here with us.