***update*** Am I Completely Wrong?

Question

Sorry, this is going to be long. I'd appreciate any advice. Please no bashing.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 5. We had our baby girl September 2015. We have been getting in increasingly bad arguments, usually about his family. His mother and sister in particular. The most recent argument was about how he wanted to take our daughter to his sisters house  (his mother lives with his sister) for a play date with our niece who was born literally one week before our daughter, without me being there. His mom is a known alcoholic and she manipulates all her children, and most of the time they don't see it, but I do and I always bring it up to my husband. His sister, is a big bully, she always treats him like crap and treats anyone who has a different opinion than hers like crap. Recently I'd had enough and complained on FB to my friends. Both his mother and sister caught wind of it and are avoiding me, which is fine. I don't really care. But when they bring it up to my husband, he never defends me in any way possible. The fight started because I asked him what exactly he wanted to talk about with his sister that I am not allowed to be there with my daughter. He said he wanted to talk to her about his mom (she's also a "recovering" alcoholic. I say it in quotes because she's used her sobriety as a weapon against her kids and when they stopped caring she started drinking again, then when shit really hit the fan from her drinking, she went through detox again, and then played the pitty me card) and he also wanted to talk to her about why she's so angry with me. I told him I knew exactly why she hated me, it's because I called their mom a burden and causes nothing but problems. He then said he doesn't want me there because if I want him to defend me, he doesn't want me there because he doesn't want his sister turning on me and yelling at me for having him defend me. So I agreed to let him take her without me, with 2 rules, the first being his mom isn't allowed to hold our daughter, because I can't trust that she hasn't been drinking. That she needs to be sober for a while before that trust is regained. She's more than welcome to see her and play with her though, and 2 that if his sister starts treating him like crap like she always does, he needs to take our daughter, load her in the car and leave. He got pissed off and asked why. I told him that our daughter is a sponge and is absorbing everything she is witnessing. And if she watches her aunt treating her dad like crap, then she will lean that it's ok for her to treat daddy that way as well. He then blows up at me and says that there is no possible way I can be wrong and I always have to be right, and that he can never be right. I'm so confused.... was I wrong in the rules I set forth? I'm just trying to look out for our daughters well being.

****update****

So I talked with my husband and told him that I was sorry for putting such little faith in him to be aware enough for our little girl and that he doesn't need to follow the rules I asked of him. I even offered for him to tell his sister and mom to have the play date at our house since they don't have air conditioning at theirs (it's been 100+ degrees here for weeks) and that I would go to my mom's house for that time and try and get some rest and an unrushed shower, and to just give me a call when all was said and done. To the people that actually gave me advice, thank you. To the people that just wanted to harp on me, thanks for not understanding my request in seeking actual advice.

Answer

Honestly, I would just let him spend time with his family. he is a grown adult and doesn't need you giving him rules. That would offend me also.

Answer

You need to keep personal drama off Facebook!  Even if names were not said people figure things out.   You should also trust your husband.  He is a Grown man and you married him and chose to have a child with him.  Let him be her dad.  He will protect your child.  I would be very offended if I was him and was given rules for watching my child.  His family will always be his family so you need to learn to accept them.  You don't have to get along but why would you want to keep family away from your child.  As long as someone is with her she's should be able to see all her family.

Answer

You claim they're causing issues, which I'm sure they are, but how are you not also causing issues by posting about them on Facebook? And he's allowed to take his daughter to his sister's no matter how much you can't stand her. He's not handing the kid over to them to babysit, he is going to be there and caring for the babe. If you think he'd let harm come to your child, why are you with him? And your kid is a bit young to grasp the situation or even be paying attention-- she doesn't have the cognitive process yet to realize any of the drama.

Answer

Im gonna give you an advice that once they gave me. "People they want to spend time with your kid they have to have a relationship with you" otherwise you will have several problems maybe not now if your daughter is a baby but eventually I dont think you want your daughter visiting them and hearing bad things about you, I know some parents that their kids have turned againts them cause they got brainwashed. So i guess my advice would be to fix the relationship with your in laws or better stay away from them and your husbad should be asking them the same to them because now your and his daugter are his main family.

Answer

They caught wind that you were complaining on Facebook about them ? Does that mean you were posting things for the public to see ? If so that's a messed up way of dealing with this I'd be mad at you too. That's immature

Answer

Honestly, I don't think your husband has done anything wrong. Lord knows there's ample reason to be concerned about their influence on your daughter, but she's barely 10 mos old. Shes not interested in anything but learning to walk, her toys, and peek-a-boo right now. They have time to fix things and work out how to appear around your daughter.

I don't think it's right of you to say his mom can't hold the baby. That's your husband's call to make. If he sees she's not stable enough to hold her, I want to be optimistic and say he wouldn't allow that. The sister thing I can see. But again, it's up to him to leave if he wants to. You can't make him want to do that. I can also see why he's not wanting you there.

It seems to me he is trying to help you out with them and to understand what's going on. If you go and he tries to talk to them about it, it would turn into a "she said this, no she did that" mess. Personally, I think you were out of line complaining about his family on FB. If it was on messenger, that'd be fine. Otherwise, super uncool. You air your dirty laundry on social media and this is what happens.

I think you need to trust your husband to handle his family. You'll drive yourself insane trying to handle yours and his. When things get rough with my in-laws or an issue comes up, I tell my husband "either you can deal with it, or I can. But it will be dealt with." 99% of the time he handles it and I don't hear another word about it.

Answer

I agree with Katey. Even though I completely understand your point of view and would want to do the same for my children, your husband has to have a chance to visit family with the baby and be a father towards raised flags on the mother and sisters part. Sometimes it's just easier to let the one who's related to point fingers and lay down rules. I'm sure you've made your point with him and it's going to be there in the back of his mind. But to consistently fight with each other over the same issues, not only can your daughter absorb what grandma and aunt are doing, but can absorb what mom and dad are fighting about also. Keep your relationship and communication strong with the husband and maybe relax a little. Family drama sucks especially with in-laws. I'd keep it out of social media and just vent to maybe a friend, or a journal. Things will settle themselves eventually, weather it's the husband who takes the step or family decides to distant themselves. Either way, if your marriage means the world, I'd find a different way to approach with the husband. Not judging here, completely understandable on the concerns for the daughter. Being an enabler to 'drunks' isn't cool, but as Katey mentioned, if husband is sober I'm sure he wouldn't let anything happen harmful to your daughter. Good luck on this...praying you have a better future relationship all the way around 😊

update Am I Completely Wrong?

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