I'm 18, almost 19 and this pregnancy wasn't planned but wasn't really prevented as well as it should've been. I had an abortion at 16 as a result of rape and felt so much guilt I think I honestly didn't care if I got pregnant again. Then I did. 

I'm going to be in my second year of college. But I don't know how I'm going to do it. I can barely survive it without a baby, and with a baby it's going to be nearly impossible. 

Not to mention I still struggle with depression and anxiety on a daily basis and can't regulate my emotions whatsoever which I know hurts the baby but I can't help it. Which in turn makes me feel worse. I know I won't be enough for her. I'm already failing her and she's not even born. 

She deserves more than me. I don't know if I can do it. But my boyfriend and our families and I love her so much and are so attached already, we've gotten a good amount of things ready. I don't think I could do adoption. And honestly don't think it would help anything either it would send me further into a depression. So that's not really an option at this point...plus my boyfriend would probably not let me do it he would just take care of her on his own. 

She's my everything but I just feel so broken. I feel like I can't be a mother but yet I'm going to be and I know I will embrace it. I just don't know how I'm going to be a good one. And I feel like I have no purpose outside of that. 

Idk where I'm going with this. I know I should see a therapist but like I said I can't drive (as of now) and live in the middle of nowhere so I'd have to get my boyfriend to take me which I don't want to 

I've had thoughts of suicide and self harm but haven't gone through with it. I haven't cut in almost a year and I never thought I'd feel the urge again yet here I am. And just this alone makes me feel awful, like I should be able to be strong for my baby. But I'm not. 

I know it's probably not normal to feel like this. But what do I even do about it? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm about to just give up.