The Echo of Depression
Anyone who's well enough from their depression can perhaps relate to what I'm going through at the moment.
You don't feel like you want to kill yourself or do bodily harm to yourself, but something doesn't feel quite right. I feel I'm not the same as I was anymore. And I'm not talking about the having experienced the depths of hell kind of change, but there's something almost wrong with me.
I feel the depression lurking some how behind a corner or else I feel its echoes. Or another way of putting it would be phantom sensations of the depths of pain and misery that I was going through. I can see the logic of living of course, but I also see the logic in not doing so.
I use to wonder why people would want to die growing up. Why people would choose to die. I'd fear it, as is a natural thing to feel for most people. Now after going through this I am not afraid of death anymore. It just plain doesn't bother me. While I don't actually want to seek it out or feel compelled to end my own life I just see no point really.
Sure there are little joys in life and some big important events, but most of it is rather mundane and really shallow. Get up, eat, help some people on Glow and other social media sites, go to classes, eat, get back from classes, go home, eat, get ready for bed, sleep. And then all over the next day. Yay.
Religion and philosophy provide us with the answers to the mundane of course and why we must stay. If it weren't for my family and my faith I'd just say "To hell with it." and leave.
In the ethereal there is everything. All the answers will be completely and fully explained and everything will be one and in Harmony with everything. Why stay in a place that is suppar to that, that is full of flaws, hate, war, and every crime imaginable? I believe in that such an ethereal place exists and yet we have to go through the mundane and day to day stuff that seems to not amount to much of anything but sustaining bodily living. Why?
It seems a darn shame that the only way to go to that place when I want to is to enact my own death, yet doing so willingly would cost me my place in that realm. And of course all kinds of reasons to stay would pop up such as "You have to stay to help others" or "There are people counting on you to stay" or "Dying isn't the answer". Well if there are people willing to stay in a world that's far gone well good for them. And who's counting on me? My family, friends, followers? I see that all I do doesn't amount anything at all other than having people stay in a place that's quite far gone by the thoughtlessness of others. And as to the last bit, aren't we all born to die anyway? If you get to choose the day you die, and by a method that wasn't that painful wouldn't that be nicer than dying of old age with a terminal illness?
Whoever had the idea of staying in a messed up place like this for a few happy moments was either very cruel or else is beyond comprehension.
So to conclude I feel the echo of depression and the logic of living and dying seem to just fit as well for me as living would be for someone else who didn't have depression. I hope you all enjoyed my post and could relate to how I feel.
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