I used to be an escort and completely regret it

Throughout my time working as an escort I felt like it wasn't for me. I was constantly ashamed and the idea of anyone ever finding out to this day mortifies me, makes me feel suicidal and when I think about it I can't help but cry uncontrollably.

I didn't think about the repercussions of escorting and how it may affect my future. At the time I was in a really dark place mentally and didn't think I would even be alive by the end of the year, let alone 2016. 

But time has passed and at the start of this year I met my current partner. My relationship with him is something that I have never experienced before it is filled with love and like any healthy relationship is built on respect and trust. 

My previous relationships with men have been abusive and I actually left a mentally and physically abusive relationship at the start of this year to be with my current partner. I had never told anyone that I was an escort in the past but with my current partner I wanted to be honest with him but when it came out (literally a week into the relationship when I felt like I was under immense pressure to tell him something) I told my partner a part of the truth- that I escorted in the past- but lied about how long it was for, how many times, and pretty much every little detail surrounding it. I did tell parts of the truth, but my complete disgust in myself for my actions and fear of his reaction (I had just gotten out of an abusive year long relationship) held me back from being honest. 

As with most people who lie, it caught up with me. He never fully believed my story because it would change in details. About a month ago he eventually went onto my Facebook and went through a bunch of old messages with a girl I told him I worked with. When he confronted me I told him the truth about everything. I didn't hold back and anything he asked I explained to the best of my ability. 

When he found out he couldn't control his anger and hurt, he said some pretty nasty things that have stayed with me and potentially always will. I understand why he was hurt. I lied to him. I lied because for me, the truth was something I didn't want to live with, I didn't want to admit to it because of how in my eyes, it is the worst possible thing I could ever do and the idea of someone else knowing, especially someone I love and respect, is worse than death. 

It has left our relationship pretty broken. He doesn't trust me and I scare him. It's left me heartbroken for hurting him, for putting him through insurmountable pain. It has left me afraid that I am worthless and in my heart I feel I don't deserve him because I was dishonest. 

I completely disrespected myself, my body, my future. And I don't know how to forgive myself.

I am seeking help through a psychologist so I can come to terms with my own actions but it's so hard. I feel like I fucked up my life and my relationship. This man is in my eyes as close to perfect as it comes and there are no words that come close to describing the pain inside me that I feel.

I'm so scared of the whole situation. I'm scared that even though I've told him the whole truth that he will continue to dig for more information and constantly leave me feeling as though I'm walking on eggshells. I'm scared that if I accidentally left something out and it comes up he will think I am lying. I'm scared that my past will destroy my future. And I don't know what to do.

I can't live with my self some days. I picture myself marrying this man but at times I just want to run away because I don't feel worthy of his love. Right now he is trying to be supportive, sometimes he will say things unintentionally that hurt me and leave me feeling worthless. But he is trying. 

The hardest part for me is that even though it's something from my past that has nothing to do with my present or future it can't be let go. Innocent and loving people can make huge mistakes and regret every part of their decision making later on. People can do the wrong thing for the wrong reasons and I punish myself every day for what I've done. But I don't know how much longer I can take feeling like I'm being punished by him for a huge and stupid decision I made years ago.

** He is hurt by the fact I lied. From what he has said that is the main problem. When we went into the relationship we said that we would both be honest and I wasn't from the beginning