Hell of a love story still fighting

Here's my painful love story ... My boyfriend and I of 5 years here's our whole story where to start we met when we were 19 and 18 years old we talked for a little bit before decided to hang out with one another he lived an hr away in another town but I said hey I'll come over there and well hang out and so I came over and it was literally the best day ever just just sat and talk like we knew each other for ever a connection I've never felt and from then we chilled like once or twice a week whenever I could get a ride talked everyday and I felt something for him I've never felt even tho we hadn't know each other for long I was falling for him and I ended up telling him and he said he felt the same way (but he really wasn't but we'll get to that later) I had ended up getting his initials tattooed on me to show him he really meant something too me even if we didn't end up together and remained friends he meant something people thought I was crazy maybe I was but only day I had wanted to tell him something in person and he didn't answer no text or calls which was strange since we used to talk all the time and after about a week I was so worried that something happen to him so I tried to ask ppl he knew if he was okay and they didn't tell me anything so I just ended up texting him that I was pregnant and he immediately text me or called me I can't remember but basically talked n came to where we decided to have an abortion even though the tough of it killed me I did it for him and I knew one day I could accept that it was the right thing to do seeing that we were so young but when the day came to do it I did it and he was supposed to come afterwards and just be the for me that all I needed so I know I could get through it with him by my side but he told he he was gonna come and right after I Said u sure he could come because if he was sure I coulda went over there just to be with him for a little because I knew his ride was unreliable but he said no I'm coming and he made me believe he was coming so he says his cousin picked him up and he was on the way and he texting me and then he just stops answering and doesn't talk to me for for 2days and mind u during these 2 days I'm texting and calling him just wanting to talk to him seeing that I just got rid of OUR baby BY MYSELF I felt by myself I had no one and the one that I wanted to be there for me didn't care so I really thought about suicide so I text him saying I wanna die and he write me back I can't remember what he said to me but I cried and for a while I had nightmares of the abortion and we fought a lot but when we were together we never fought and that's how I thought I knew he loved me because when we were in each other's faces its was different forward a few months we were fighting and I decided to just show up at his house in the middle of the night because I didn't wanna fight and short story we stop fighting and ended up having sec and I ended up pregnant again I didn't find out for a while but when I did I called him up ( he doesn't remember telling me this in this way but ) I told him I was pregnant and he told me I wasn't the only one and I was devistated and cried and went to see him one day to talk about it and I can see he was scared 18 with 2 girls pregnant but I was the one he loved we talked but he just wanted me to go and on top of that while I was there he had his girl best friend that I used to swear and I still swear to this day that she was in love with him we used to fight bout that a lot too but besides that when we were talking in his kitchen I said I know all this is crazy but can u look me in my eyes and tell me you don't want to be with me and he couldn't do it but with that being said I had left and I had considered getting another abortion for him but I couldn't put my self thought that depression again so so during my pregnancy all we did was fight about everything and about the other girl being pregnant fast forward a bit even tho every time we argued I still kept him up to date on everything that was happening with my pregnancy and I ended up having to be induced so the night before I text him and tell him and the first thing he text me was I love you something I was waiting for for so fucking long because if I knew him like I thought then he loved me deep down so I have our daughter but he wasn't there at the hospital and it took him a month of me begging him to see his daughter and we met up and his agreement for him to see her was he sees her then I leave him alone and I agreed only because I thought if he seen us than that would make him change his mind but he showed up and was there for a lil then left and when he left then he text me saying how much he loved me and wanted to be with us but after that day we didn't talk for a buit he had changed his number but I had his email his birthday was coming up and I wanted to say something to him THIS IS THE EMAIL I SENT nce I don't have your number and I only know your email ik I shouldn't contact you and I can't say how sorry I am for sending you this one email ...i know its your birthday in 2 days I wanna send blessed birthday wishes  too daddy from janiyah and me ...tryna be w/o you is hell I miss you so fcking much it hurts but you already know that  I try not to think of you but trying not to think of you is thinking about you I get so mad sometimes I want my bae back I cannot get my mind right y does everything have to remind me of you y when I have good news it doesn't feel so good because I can't share it w you y the other day I tried to get rid of the notebook I used to write my poems about u in and your shirts every bus ticket I saved from when I used to see you and your sweater I couldn't even take it off my bed :( ...wish I could just replace you but how can I find someone who made me smile just by looking at me or held me like you I dunno how I can do this I dunno how to b strong anymore you've broken my heart but the love we've shared is the very thing that keeps it togetherdoesnt that sound crazy smh youll always b the number 1 man in our lives we love you xoxo THIS IS THE REPLYhad a feeling you didn't think i was gonna reply lol but i had to let you know i love you woman :) and my daughter as well . And thankssss i appreciate it so much , your the first person today to tell me happy bday . Your message really touched me , i realize that you really do understand me and you did this entire time , it was jus me that was pushing you away . And I'm sorry for that . You were the best girlfriend i ever had . No matter what you were always right there for me when i needed you . :'-( . Anything that happens is for a reason , and i thank god for showing me there are still good women in this world . :) i just really wanna talk to you for an entire day again . I miss your voice so much . :) .......so we ended up talking that day and we wanted to give each other another chance and he confessed too me he slept with ppl while we weren't together and told me this was the chance to tell him any secrets that I had but I didn't sleep with anyone but from the beginning I hid my sexual past from him and I didn't want him too know and even tho that could been my chance I was just to ashamed of having sex with ppl who weren't my boyfriend but back then i was just so messed up from my life from having to be responsible for my brother and sister at the age of 11 I also was sexually abused at a young age and when I was 16 I thought I was in love lose my viginity with my first bf and he ended up cheating on me and I was hurt and it destroyed my feelings and didn't care about anything had bfs here n there but I can say I got over it but either way I didn't want to be who I was so I keep it hidden so I'm not a perfect person ... But to shorten this up the girl never wanted to get Dna but a yr later she gets one and it turns out to be not his so she put us through hell for a year of threatening him for nothing and she made everything different and because of his his mother of family doesn't know about our daughter because the girl wrote to his mom and sent her a picture saying that that baby was his and when his mom found out it wasn't she was so relived so in a way he couldn't turn around and say hey that girls hkid wasn't mine but I have another because his mom means so much to him and he doesn't want to disappoint her IM MAKING THIS WAY TO LONG IM TRY TOO FINISH THIS UP skipping a bunch of things I'm not such a good gf because I lied a lot even tho it's not an excuse it because I don't want to lose him and I cheated by talking to someone and thinking I wanted to be with someone else but all i really wanted him and I ve texted my ex as friends and my nd has found out all of this and I know that if he done this to me id be more pissme then he is now asking him shit all the time and not trust him like he doesn't trust me for lying THERES NO ONE I WANT TO BE MORE IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD AND IF HE LEAVES ME FOR GOOD BECAUSE HE CANT TAKE MY BAGGAGE AND LIES ILL BE INTERNALLY DEAD he's done so much good things for me also that he didn't need to do