Where do I begin? I haven't actually posted my full story anywhere. It has taken me a while to cope with the whole mess. I believe sharing my experience will be one of my final stages of grieving. I hope sharing what I have been through will help someone else during their most terrible time. Be aware, this will be very detailed.

At 10 weeks, I was so excited to see my midwife. You see, this was going to be the first time I would hear my baby's heartbeat. I was planning an all natural home birth, so I hadn't had an ultrasound yet. I was waiting until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks. After searching for a few minutes with the doppler, my midwife said she wasn't able to find it. She said not to worry, the doppler often doesn't pick up heartbeats until 12-14 weeks. I was very down, but not worried by any means.

Almost 2 weeks later, on a Sunday, I noticed a small streak of red blood on my toilet paper. I instantly freaked. I was shaking and hysterical. My husband called my midwife, who was on vacation, and she instructed him to keep me calm. She said bleeding can happen at this point, and im not out yet. I spent that day and the next lying in bed, drinking tons (and I mean TONS) of water. The bleeding remained very very light, more like spotting. Monday evening is when the cramping began.

I knew it was over. I just knew it. So, I got myself up Tuesday and did the only thing I thought I could do, I went to work. Right when I got to work, I noticed the cramps were coming in intervals. They were about 7 minutes apart. As the day went on they got more and more intense. I remember the awkward pauses while on the phone with my accounts while I breathed through the pain. No one at work knew what was happening. It was one of the the most miserable days of my life. Eventually an hour before I was off, I dropped some paperwork in my bosses office during a slightly worse contraction. I broke down and told him what was happening and he sent me home.

That evening was a haze, I honestly remember nothing until I woke up at 1 am with pretty intense contactions. I didn't know what to do, so I pulled up my contraction counter app and just stared at it counting each one. I watched the time between the contractions get shorter as the contractions themselves got longer. I was mesmerized by the numbers. They were the only thing I thought about until the pain became much worse. At about 3 am I woke up my husband. They was so bad I could only curl up on my knees and moan into the pillow while they happened. Sometime between 4 or 5 am I begged my husband to find the one Vicodin I had left from a previous injury. 30 min after taking it, the contactions calmed to almost a stop and I fell asleep.

At 8 am we finally got a hold of the midwife. She was still on vacation and wouldn't be back until late that evening. She confirmed that yes, I was miscarrying. She told me to choose whether I wanted to go to a hospital or let nature take it's course. I chose the latter.

10 am, it felt like someone was driving a knife into my lower abdomen. I hadn't taken any classes yet. I knew nothing about how to deal with the pain. I thrashed, gasped for breath, sobbed and screamed during contractions. I tried the hot tub, the bed, the floor. The only relief I had were the 30 second breaks between contractions during which I cried for my baby. The pain was too much I had to go to a hospital. My husband and I got in the car (after a quick break on the sidewalk for a contraction) and he asked me 'Are you sure this is what you want?' 'No, it's not' I said. And we went inside. At this point I can't even describe the pain. I was begging for medication. My husband took off to a friends nearby who said they had some hydrocodone. My sister was with me while he went. The pain was so bad I threw up and then I just knew I couldn't do it. Back into the car with my sister and off to the ER.

We were one block from the ER when I felt a pop and a gush of liquid flowed out of me. The pain instantly eased. I knew it was almost over. I told my sister to turn the car around and we went back home. My husband was waiting for me when I got back. I sat in the bathtub and blood just poured out of me. A few minutes later the sack came out with my teeny tiny baby. My wonderful husband, with tears in his eyes, told me not to worry. He would take care of her. He picked her up and put her in a container. Several hours later I delivered the placenta rather unceremoniously while going pee. I think it took so long because I took another vicodin right after I delivered the baby and it stopped my contractions again.

As horrifying as this whole story sounds, I wouldn't go back and get a D&C even if I could have. I needed to have my child naturally like I set out to do. I am more confident than ever that I can handle a home birth in the future. I know I took prescription pills, but there is something different about going through labor when you know you aren't getting a baby afterwords. We named her Zoe. We don't know if it was a girl, but my husband just felt like the name was right. We buried Zoe in a national park, under a beautiful tree. I miss you sweet baby. I miss you so much.

Thank you so much for letting me share my story with you. I can only hope that soon, miscarriage won't be a taboo subject. It is far too common and far too painful for us to continue suffering in silence.