First off let me say Thank You for all of the positive feedback about my post yesterday about "Losing enough to fit". I appreciate it and that is why I wanted to share this.

I realized something last night and it has been bugging me something fierce. I dont know about any of you but I have ALWAYS been very critical of myself.. The way I look, what I weight, how I conduct myself. I have a feeling that many of us are like this in some way.

Last night, while we were line for a ride, I saw a woman in my line who, when I looked at her I felt that she was so much smaller than me. She was by no means "skinny".. She was just smaller than me and I figured that would be my next goal. When she got in the seat, my husband looks at me and says, "See, you worry for nothing.. If that lady can fit in the seat with no problems you will slide right in. " I was speechless for a minute then said, "How do you figure?" he said, "Well, she is way bigger than you, thats how I figure" and then he laughed at me. I then said, "You think I am smaller than her?" He looked at me like I was mentally handicapped and said, "Uh.. Yeah.. Look at her. Although she has a bubblier butt than you do she has tiny titties where yours are huge... Plus, she is no where near as pretty as you are." (please dont judge what he said in a bad way, it wasnt meant that way. ) I just kissed him and told him Thank You and that I loved him.

I thought about it for the whole night and today and realized that I am my own worst enemy. I am my own biggest and worst critic. When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I dont see the woman who I thought was smaller than me... I see my same old fat, gross self.. The same self that I have questioned for years, "How can my husband stand to be seen with me?" (regardless of how many times he told me that what I weigh does not determine how much he loves me. I had just lost weight when he met me and after years it slowly but surely got away from me but that I have taken responsibility for it, I have owned it, and I am doing something about it now.) It has been 5 years and I have lost 150 lbs but when I look in the mirror.. I still see 406 lbs.. When I look in the mirror, in my mind, I still see this horribly disgusting person who I dont much like. No matter how supportive and reassuring my husband has been and is, I still just... Simply and Honestly... Hate myself. I know its a horrible thing to say but I am trying to be honest and open with all of you.

I am trying to be open and honest and hope that if you do feel or have felt or will feel this way about yourself, know that you are not alone but that you are dead wrong, just as I am dead wrong for it. I have allowed myself, as I am sure most of us have at some point, to let media, society, and other people, determine what beauty is for me. I have allowed them to dictate to me what my idea of a pretty/beautiful/acceptable person should be.

After last night with my husband.. And this morning just staring at myself in the mirror, I have made a decision. I have decided to give myself a damn break. After 11 years and a weight yoyo effect, my husband still finds me beautiful. With a few more wrinkles and a numerous amount if grey hair I color over.. With breast that sag a little more and an ass that regardless how many squats I do it will never be enough to fill.. Lol.. He has stuck by me and never made me feel, not once, like I was anything less than amazing and perfect for him.

I think we all need to make a list.. A list of positive things. We need to give ourselves a break and stop trying to diet/exercise/stuff/waist train/plastic surgery/starve ourselves into this mold of what society thinks is acceptable. I am not saying to stop exercising, I am just saying to do it for YOU and not for them. We all need to love ourselves a little more and stop being so critical of ourselves.

Sorry this was so long and God Bless you for reading until the end. God Luck.