How can I be supportive and not JELLY?

Question

I'm 41 and have been TTC for a second child for about a year now. Had a miscarriage 3 months ago and found out my sweet sister got accidentally pregnant!!! I love my dear sister, she is my best friend but deep down I am sad and a little jealous. How can I be supportive to her.? Suggestions.

Answer

I wish I had Sandy's outlook. Better yet I wish I had a baby. But like all the ladies in this room I have many things, many sources of joy and, on many occasions I have wrestled with a natural human emotion called jealousy.

In truth I have and continue to struggle with exhibiting appropriate baby joy and attending baby / toddler events for the children of family and friends. I have had more conversations than I can count in which people who conceived easily or accidentally have advised me to "just relax," or "just adopt."

Here is what I have concluded. Always express joy and wish luck as soon as you can do it sincerely without causing emotional injury to yourself. Stay home or away from baby related events and baby obsessed people when you can't. Politely inform people when they have said something that hurts you. Tell those closest to you why this situation is hard. You share their joy but also feel pain.

Then, at your lowest moments try to remember this: The universe is not rationing babies. Just because someone else has a baby on the way today does not mean that you never will. This baby in route to the corner of the world where you and yours live has done you no harm. And you can be one more adult who models the loving, responsible and - when necessary -- self-protective behavior they need to see. Start that today. Lesser women would leave one or more of these things out. And, at least you have quiet alone time to think.

That's all I have worked out so far. I do hope it helps.

-J, 40 yo, aunt and godmother to many but 
mother to none.

Answer

I am also 41 and have been ttc for 2.5yrs. Had a mc Aug 27th 2014. There have been 6 births in our family since 5 of which were "accidental" and there are currently 4 pregnancies, i believe 2 were " accidents". I'm sad that we lost ours but of all 10 i a was extatic for all but 1. That poor baby doesnt desreve her as a mother. There is no reason to be jealous. We have no control over our fertility no matter how hard we try. If its meant to be it will be, if its not, it wont. Simple as that. If your sister is happy, you should be happy for her.

How can I be supportive and not JELLY?

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