Emotionally sick

I was looking forward to my birth, but it was a disaster. I'm not going to go into details about my birth, I posted my birth story once and got ridiculed and shit dumped on me- absolutely zero support about my traumatic birth. And yes, I shared it in THIS app.

I'm still suffering from my traumatic birth and have childbirth PTSD. I come on here for my daughter and occasionally I'll look at the baby names and whatnot, but seeing pregnant bellies and happy birth stories tears me up. I just start crying. I wanted to be a midwife and doula, but I can't handle pregnancy any more. I turn away from pregnant women at the store, I avoid ALL things pregnancy related. Even looking at baby stuff for my daughter I feel heartbroken. A friend of mine is pregnant and I honestly hate it. Not her or her baby, just her happy pregnancy and how everything is going so goddamn perfect for her. She wants me to drive her to the hospital and I can't. I just don't want to go to the hospital. F--- I can't even drive by where MY daughter was born without breaking down sobbing. I feel so lost. This was suppose to be my last baby, my last birth and all I have to remember it is hellish nightmare memories I want to forget.