2nd IUI BFN: Losing Hope

Caution: full on rant ahead

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​I am at my wits end with TTC. I'm 38 and my husband and I have been trying for 2 and a half years. I have had 3 early miscarriages /chemical pregnancies and finally succumbed to fertility drugs and IUI out of desperation though I really wanted this to happen naturally. First IUI was with femara and produced one 28mm follicle, which I thought was too big. BFN. Second IUI was with follistim, which the doctor hoped would give me more follicles. Though there were many more in the beginning, they said I only ovulated one egg from the right side. The IUI also had some complications and they couldn't insert the catheter all the way. Plus, follistim made me feel horrible, my ovaries felt overstimulated, I had back aches, and was generally miserable. The trigger shot made my breasts so sore I couldn't sleep and then when that started to wear off I had to start progesterone that tricks my body into thinking I am pregnant and made me bloated like crazy. Every month is the same. I get my hopes up and convince myself this is it, I look up the due date, I imagine finally telling my parents, and then BFN.

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​The idea of continuing to do this to my body only to have a negative result is making me doubt the entire process. The idea of IVF makes me want to die. All of my friends have had 1 or 2 kids since we have started this and I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about it. I miss my old life when I didn't think about this 24/7, I miss my old sex life, and I miss just feeling happy and satisfied. 

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​I put off having kids so I could get my masters degree and have a "career" and I cannot stand my job. There is no point in regrets but I really feel angry at myself for doing it when I knew I wanted kids. I am so angry at my body and my decisions, and I know this just stresses me out even more and makes conception more unlikely. All 3 of my pregnancies happened in the summer (I'm a teacher) which I don't believe is a coincidence. 

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​I am starting to realize that this may never happen for us and it hurts. Of course there is adoption and even surrogacy, but the cost/process for both is difficult to imagine. I always pictured being pregnant one day, pictured having a family, and that picture is quickly fading away. 

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​I am so sorry for this rant. Even if no one reads it I feel better for having written it. Good luck to everybody on this heartbreaking  journey.