Last month, I lost a baby.

Or so it feels.

My child is alive and well, but I'm still grieving.

I know I made a good decision in choosing adoption. But knowing you made a good decision doesn't prevent the what ifs and the sadness.

I bet he's starting to hold his head up.

I bet he has had his first smile.

Maybe he is a happy baby, or maybe he cries alot.

What if he misses me?

What if he doesn't miss me?

I agreed to a closed adoption. I kind of wish I hadn't agreed to the adoptive family's request. Also, that makes me feel selfish. He isn't my baby anymore.

Adoption feels like loss, even though I'm happy for him. I can still mourn for me.