It's with deep regret...(haha) that I have to rehome my husband.

I won't give him away to anyone, (this is the part where I act like I care if you're going to beat him or something) so please send in 2 references (that I won't even read).

The following reasons are for his re-placement.

1. Dude, he farts near constantly. I think his asshole latch is stuck open.

2. His aim with the toilet, is like a full power firehose at the little people firestation.

3. He snores, or attacks the air like a pitbull while sleeping. Whatever the f*#% u wanna call it.

4. He requires more adult supervision than the children. If he's being too quiet or too nice , something is up. What's dead or broken?

5. His orgasm face looks like he swallowed a lemon WHOLE.

6. He thinks that the entire house is his trashcan and the magic f&*%ING tinkle fairy makes everything prime and pristine again each day. This is proven by example "what did u do all day" Cleaned up your mess, that's what!

7. His affection towards his mommy rivals that of a breastfeeding infant.

8. He smells, unless you tell him to forcibly bathe, he will create a funk stain .... On that same damn recliner that you've been trying to get help taking to the garbage for weeks.

9. His buddies, they are fridge destroyers. I swear we had groceries yesterday.

10. He thinks sex is a sprint race. Go as fast as you can, as clumsily as you can. It's sleep time bitches.

It is for these 10 reasons that we must regretfully ( haha there's that shit again) place our loving partner for sale.

(There's way more than ten! Ain't nobody got time for that)

Please pick him up at 8pm sharp (my shows come on at 9) , and bring a u haul for all that shit in the garage he calls "collectables"

FYI for the ladies who ask why I would marry such a man. He has his endearing qualities. He's an exceptional father, provider and kind man. Sometimes I do want to kill him... but that's okay.