help ppd?

I think i have post Partum depression, my anxiety is too much lately. My baby is almost 5 months old. When I was pregnant he stopped kicking as much and he stopped measuring on time he was 3 weeks behind so they did a BPP test and nst a few differnt times he was diagnosed with IGUR they weren't going to deliever him till I was 37 weeks they induced me at 35 weeks 4 days because I pushed for it because I didn't feel him kicking but once a day, In labor his heart rate dropped which was the scariest thing in my life, he came out at 4lbs 3 oz long story short they tested my placenta and I had blood clots in it. I just found out the other day from my doctor not only was there blood clots my placenta was small and the veins weren't extending to the whole placenta and I had a hyper coiled umbilical cord. After hearing all this again I think what if I wouldn't have pushed for this would I have my baby. I keep going over it and over it. My baby is healthy and I love him so much that it makes me cry thinking I couldn't have him. What is wrong with me