panic attack

The other night I had a nervous breakdown and cried for hours straight, shaking uncontrollably and unable to move my body at all, it was frozen.  I got into a fight with my bf about how he doesn't seem to understand I'm struggling mentally with depression and thoughts of suicide and how I don't feel like he loves me or wants to support me otherwise he'd be here trying to make sure I was ok. it was quite heated until I cried telling him that I'm really scared, so fucking scared. That's all I could say for a good hour all I could say between breaths from crying was that I'm scared. He told me to hold on that he was comin over, it was 2am in the morning. He helped me get up, and calm down and we spent the weekend together. The thing though is that night he was hanging out with his friend, and because we were fighting all night his friend went to sleep and my bf ditched him to come help me ( I kept crying no don't do that to him, I dont want to cause you trouble, I dot want to hurt anyone else). And now there is tension between them. My bf said they had a long conversation and that he'd show me sometime but not right now. It's got me really worried, not only did I fuck up their night, but now their friendship? Is the reason he doesn't want to show me because of something his friend said about me? His friend has said some nasty stuff about me in the past, that I'm pathetic, a cunt and moron for not letting them borrow my car and that I mooch off them, when I'm the one paying for dinner, snacks, petrol, ciggies. I even invite him over when he has no place to stay, I always thought he considered me a friend too.  I think he was referring to weed. But even then I always offer to put in some money here and there, I just see no reason to if I don't do it as much as them. I'm just all paranoid and I want so badly to know what he said. I know my bf is trying to protect me but I need to know what someone I see regularly honestly thinks of me. I've already got issues with trust about people acting kind to my face but saying shit behind my back. I just really need to know what was said. For my sanity. My bf  claims it's nothing bad, but refuses to show me until things blow over. That just makes it seem like there's something that will hurt me in there and the paranoia is driving me nuts. I'd rather hear the truth and get hurt than live a lie, pretend nothing wrong but have this person say shitty things to my bf. What should I do, I've been shaking for hours. I even told my bf is leave him alone for the next week because I can tell he needs a break from my craziness if he shows me what was said. He kept saying no not now. Maybe another time. What do I do? I'm freaking out. I'm not handling it very well.