Miscarriage
This past week has been the worst of my entire life. My husband and I went for our first gyno appointment after finding out we were expecting. In the waiting room, full of pregnant women and babies, we were laughing and joking about who our baby would look like and making plans. We were asked if we wanted an ultrasound so we jumped at the chance, seeing as how we hadn't had one yet and I was supposed to be 12 weeks along. In the ultrasound room I was so excited to finally be able to see our baby. The doctor placed the ultrasound wand on my belly and when I looked up at the TV that was supposed to have my baby wriggling around on it, I saw nothing. Just an empty sac. I immediately went numb. The doctor was talking but his voice seemed muffled. I frantically looked around the screen for some sign of anything and continued to see nothing. I had an arrested pregnancy because the embryo never developed (blighted ovum). I burst into tears. The doctor was really sympathetic and told us to take our time and go see him when we were ready. I cried in my husbands arms for what seemed like forever. In my head I tried to process the fact that the pregnancy was over but I couldn't. And what was to come wasn't any better-the sac was still inside me and had to come out. Through tears and shaking I listened to the doctor tell me my options. He wrote me a prescription for Cytotec ( a pill that induces contractions and expels the placenta) but also told me that I had the option of waiting for it to come out naturally. I opted to wait a week and if nothing happened, I would take the pill. After that, with my husband holding my hand I walked as fast as I could through the doctors office and past the pregnant women and babies that I shared the waiting room with. The next few days were full of tears and various emotions from sadness to anger to jealousy to hopelessness. It went from being the best time of my life to the worst in a matter of days. The weekend passed and I was surrounded by family and friends and support for which I will be eternally grateful because you can't go through this alone. At this point I wanted some closure so every time I went to the bathroom I hoped to see blood or tissue which would mean that the placenta would be coming out and maybe this horrible experience would begin to be over. But there was nothing there-the whole weekend. I started to get even more depressed and discouraged. Monday I started to have some
spotting. Tuesday the cramps started. Wednesday the cramps began getting intense and the bleeding started. It was the strangest feeling because I was happy that the placenta was coming out naturally but at the same time this meant that what I thought was my pregnancy was really over. The bleeding itself was pretty bad, there was a lot of it. But for me the cramps were the worst. I couldn't walk or lie down or move or anything. I felt an immense pressure I my back and abdomen and it got so bad I had to take the codeine that the doc had prescribed to help.
It's now my second day of bleeding and the cramps are much better and there's a bit less blood. Posting this was hard for me but I decided to do it for the people who are going through the same thing-you're not alone. And no mater how much you want to blame yourself or feel like you're being punished for some unknown crime know that it's not your fault. Also if you're lucky enough to have good people around who love you-keep them close cause they will be the ones to help you deal with the pain. And finally-may we never lose hope because our future babies depend on it.
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