Lost my daughter passed away the day i went into labor. In December. We are trying again. Its almost a little impulsive for me. Im worried im scared dont know if i could handle this if if it ever happened again.. still today feels like yesterday and some days not so much. But am I being stupid ? I have three boys 9,8 and 3. My husband has our youngest who is 3 . My oldest boys are from my ex husband. I can't help but to feel like some who this was cause maybe my body couldn't hold her the way it held my boys or just I did everything right there must be a reason but I'm unsure . I don't know what or why. De didn't have a autopsy done I couldn't stand the thought of it.. whoever the placentas autopsy turned out perfectly fine how it should be.. I breast fed all my baby's but Astrid and now that I haven't my breast still hurt especially when I hit hot water I still leak milk my body still craves the feelings of what it should be doing right now.. that really doesn't make me want to have a baby that makes me feel alone and sick to my stomach.. and on the other hand I think some times mentally trying for a baby and having a baby that could live would be very helpful for us and for me I know a lot of not wanting to is I can't feel the whole from loosing her oh god I couldn't and idk who I could feel idk how scared every second of the day.. I want a baby. Not the worry of my child dying again. I wish I could could have all fears gone and a sane mind that I could be 100% sure everything will be ok.. I'm still trying my husband I can't tell him no... I don't wanna say it even to myself sometimes. Haven't talked about this to anyone and this is my first post on here since I've been on here I hope I get some rational feedback and positive. Pkz if it's negative about our photo or just meanness understand that things happen in life people can't control and it's realistic to look at the reality of pain cause we all share it.. just some cant handle it.. hell sometimes I cant but pkz if it bothers u don't lash out I need support...