i want to die..

I don't even know where to begin. I'm lost & I feel helpless. I feel anger & hate & sadness & dread. I don't know anymore. I have no one to talk to I feel like. I feel completely alone. I have a boyfriend who I know loves me with all his heart, but my mind keeps telling me he doesn't. I push him to the brink & he still stays. I don't know how to hell I deserve him sometimes. I feel like an awful person. One day I'm happy with life & I feel on top of the world. Other days I feel like I've been dropped to the center of earth. I feel like no one cares. I get angry & irritated. I get upset with my boyfriend about everything for no reason. I become completely unreasonable & pick fights just to have a fight. I don't know why I do half the things I do. Im not choosing to feel the way I feel. I feel like I have no control over myself sometimes. Driving to class today, I was thinking what if I just jerked the wheel? Going 70 MPH, & if I just jerked the wheel in front of a semi. I'd be gone instantly. But then I wouldn't get to see the end. I wouldn't get to experience full blown adulthood. I wouldn't get to experience getting married or even having sex. I'd be missing out on +60 years of my life if I jerked it. I would have let my fucked up mind win. I try to talk about it with my boyfriend but I won't allow myself. I couldn't ever spit out the words to him that would tell him I'd rather die sometimes. I can't explain to him that sometimes I feel like the best person on the entire fucking planet but within just hours I am go to feeling like I've dug myself into a big black hole of depression.