A Day In The Life...
Wake up, stall the first bathroom trip of the day, debating whether to take that test or to wait another day. Will another day even matter or will today be the day you see two lines? Take the test, it's another wasted one that gets thrown away, another couple bucks to pay for the news that you failed. Again.
Go to work, see all the moms and pregnant bellies, listen to a few complain and wish with all your heart that you could complain too.
See the babies and dream about your own- but then, nightmare. What if you never get your own? What if you go the rest of your life, trying and failing again and again? Try not to think about it but it's a vulture, going in stinking circles around and around in your head.
Come home to a house where there are no cries but yours, in the bathroom, alone because it would make your husband feel bad for something he can't help or stop or fix - so before you in lock the door, clean up your face, put on a smile. You love him, he needs to be happy, to believe you're okay.
To bed, to feel the hollow gap where you desperately wish a baby was, feel the emptiness. Hug it, fear that it will never be filled. Fall asleep long after your husband, being jealous of how he can so easily find peace, hating that you can't "just stop worrying about it" because again, you're the reason there's never another line. Negative emotions can affect fertility but your fertility - your lack of - it's giving you negative emotions...
To sleep, dreams of empty cradles and empty arms. Nightmares.
In the morning? Do it all over again.
... Am I alone? I've been going through this cycle for months and I feel like no one understands.
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