July 12, 2010 I delivered my son, Nicholas, stillborn at 21 weeks. To this day, the doctors still don't know what caused it to happen. Whether it was him (even though all genetic testing and ultrasounds came back he was developing as he should), my cervix, or me just going into preterm labor. I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with another little boy, and I got a preventive cerclage at 15 weeks for IC and I get weekly progesterone injections to fight against preterm labor. I'm also getting ultrasounds every 4 weeks to keep an eye on how my current pregnancy (William) is progressing.

There are two things that are causing my anxiety and I was just wondering if anyone else was feeling the same way or if they had gone through similar emotions.

1. When I found out I was having a boy, I got scared and sad. Part of me was hoping for a girl because I felt the pregnancies would be different. I felt like having by having another boy I'd be replacing Nicholas with the new baby (William) or comparing them... in my head I'm not sure if I'd do the same with a girl. I'm not even sure if that makes sense but that's just how I've been thinking.

(Overall I'm thrilled that he seems to be developing typically and this pregnancy has been healthy, but I still get that tug of maybe I could bond better with this pregnancy if it was a girl)

2. I'm afraid that as time goes on I'll be so focused on William that I'll forget about Nicholas and I don't want him to be forgotten.

I thought six years would be enough time for me to heal from this grief and trauma but now I'm not so sure. I'm just worried I'll be comparing William to Nicholas and neither of them deserve that. They're their own people and each pregnancy and baby is different. I also don't want to replace Nicholas with William but I feel like that's what's happening. Any words of advice would be helpful =)