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I'm so sorry. I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds like you were in a very tough situation. And God didn't let your baby pass away because you prayed for it to happen. He doesn't work like that. This is not your fault. I do understand the guilt. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks. When we would go out and hear a toddler throwing a tantrum I would say something like "I changed my mind. Can I send this one back?" I was obviously joking, but I still think about those comments I made and feel guilty. I know it's not quite the same, but I do understand your feelings of guilt even though logically we both know we didn't cause our miscarriages. All I know is I dont take my current pregnancy for granted. Loss does make you appreciate the blessings you receive after. For now, you can be more careful when it comes to pregnancy prevention until you feel you are ready to have a baby. And I promise you will be so thankful for your next baby because of the road you have walked. None of this is your fault and you will be a better mother in the future because of it. Miscarriage sucks, but is does make you stronger. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray you find peace soon. Big hugs! 💗
Feeling like you deserve your loss
This is going to be a very long and involved post, but it is something that has been weighing on me for quite sometime now, I need to get it off my chest.
Back when I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. It was the end of January this year. I had JUST moved 1200 miles away from home with my boyfriend at the time, was living with him for the first time, and was just getting a good corporate job within my grasp when I found out I was expecting. I was 6 1/2 weeks when I finally took a test. Told my boyfriend, and we both cried, and didn't say much about it for the next few days.
Fast forward a few weeks later, and he's decided he 100% doesn't want to keep it, and more or less bullied me into scheduling an abortion. I wanted to keep it, but I had just left home, was newly employed, had rent to pay, was keeping up a house for the first time in my life....so I just cried about it, and accepted that it was the best thing.
Here's the kicker - I DIDNT WANT to abort. Not at all. I was against it. Every fiber of me loved my child so so much, yet with the pressure coming from my boyfriend, I felt there was no other option. He threatened me, and told me if I didn't abort then he'd kick me out and make me move back home. Told me he'd come after me in court. Was awful. So you know what I did? I PRAYED, prayed prayed and prayed some more that I would miscarry. In my head, it was the easiest way out. I wouldn't have to do anything, and the situation would be resolved.
I had two appointments at Planned Prenthood. One ultrasound, and then an abortion scheduled for two weeks later. When u went in for the abortion, they told me there was no growth from the gestational sac and fetus since my last visit, and that there was no cardiac activity. In that moment, I was ecstatic, because it meant the whole mess was over.
I bailed on the abortion, and opted to pass the tissues naturally. But, my body carried that baby for SIX WEEKS after it had died and stopped growing. In that time I became so upset, so increasingly angry at myself, at my loss, at the fact I had prayed for exactly what was happening to me. I feel like I deserve the grief I feel each and every day, because after all, I had prayed to miscarry. I have no one to blame but myself. But I WANTED my baby, so bad, and the weight of that miscarriage weighs on my heart to this day. My labor lasted for 9 hours, and I passed a couple baseball size clots of tissue and blood. It was devastating. Had no emotional support from my boyfriend. Could do nothing but cry, deposit the pieces of my failed pregnancy into the toilet, flush, and put a brave face on. I am so angry at myself because I had no idea how hard losing baby would affect me. I miss her every day.
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Dont be hard on yourself it was not your fault i wanted my baby thought about abortion but in my mind i knew i lost my baby already i felt like it was my fault because one min i wanted my baby and the next i didnt but u go threw atlot of emotions when you are pregnant it is not your fault at all love pray and dont be so hard on yourself
I understand your guilt, but it isn't your fault. Maybe it was just supposed to happen that way. I was date raped (as a virgin) and ended up pregnant. I have always wanted a baby and to be a mom. But I couldn't bare to think that the baby I was carrying would look like or be anything like that man. I prayed and prayed like you did that I wouldn't have to keep the baby because I would resent him or her and that would break my heart. Well I ended upmiscarrying. It was aweful and I felt like a terrible person for asking for it. But in the end it worked out. Don't feel guilty, it wasn't your fault.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had two miscarriages, just finishing my second one after a lengthy natural process and eventually ending up an emergency D&C. While I didn't pray or hope for a miscarriage, I do deal with depression and feelings of worthlessness. So yes, at times I feel like I somehow deserve my losses because I had been a bad partner to my husband, or because I didn't want children for so long, or whatever. I've found that a lot of women in various situations can have similar feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness after a miscarriage.I am concerned for you because of the way your boyfriend reacted to all of this, his role in the abortion, his lack of support through your natural miscarriage. How are you doing with that? Are you planning to stay with him? You may not be planning to have another pregnancy right now, but when you do... I just wonder if you could be a parent with this person after this experience. If you truly love each other and want to stay together, I think some counseling would be a good idea. Sending strength to you.
I know exactly how you feel. At least about passing the baby on your own. My baby passed away at 6 weeks, but didn't come out until 12 weeks. It was a rough process. The waiting game was one of the hardest parts. The uncontrollable bleeding and cramping was the unexpected and scary part. I ended up going to the E.R. and getting transferred to a bigger hospital for a D&C. If anything like this ever happens to me again, I'm going to opt for the D&C right away. I don't think I could handle the waiting game and the bleeding and the blood clots all over again.
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