My name is Myra Gavini - my husband and I were pregnant with our first child (also first pregnancy) this past February 2016. At 20 weeks in June during our anatomy scan in June, we discovered our little one was diagnosed with a heart defect while in utero. We never received the certain diagnosis name as the pediatric cardiologist wanted to wait for our babe to get bigger in size and for him/ her to also get into a better position (our baby was always in breech when we went to our appointments) to declare which defect he/she had. 

At our 24 week appointment in July with our high risk OBGYN, she claimed that everything was alright and okay with our little one aside from his/her heart condition which we already were aware of. Before leaving her office, I asked her to take a look at cervix. Heartbreakingly, she told us another set of terrible news - the sac that was supporting our little one was making its way out of my cervix and that it was hanging. Thankfully at the time none of the limbs were seen in the sac. She gave us 3 options - 1. Cerclage 2. Go home and "wait & see" 3. Induction of Labor. She explained that performing a cerclage would pose a higher risk for both the baby and I and that I was too far in my pregnancy to get the procedure, as there might be a chance that the doctor may rupture the sac. My husband and I refused to just return home to wait and see. Our doctor stressed and made it seem that induction of labor at this point was the best option. She had us to go to the L&D unit and be admitted. Devastated and heartbroken, my husband and I thought this was it - that not only was our baby going to be delivered early and but also not going to make it or be able to come home with us due to his/her heart defect and not meeting the gestational age or weight requirements needed for heart surgery. Family and friends began to flood in to be there in support, prayer and to witness the birth of our baby - our immediate family's first grandchild. 

We prayed and cried so hard for a miracle/ miracles. Thankfully without going into too much detail, another high risk specialist suggested us the option of hospital bedrest. We knew instantly this was the favor of God's hand. 

For 2 weeks we lived in the hospital, praying that we remained pregnant until the baby would reach either of the medical teams goals: 1. Be 2500 grams in weight or 2. 28 weeks of pregnancy. With heartache and so so much pain, neither goal was reached. 1 1/2 days before our baby was born I started getting "left side back and buttocks pain" that would not subside with ice or heat packs, repositioning, pain meds, even morphine injections. It felt the urge to have a bowel movement. The pain was getting stronger and stronger so I opted for an epidural to be placed. Looking back, I realized those pains were not from having to take a bowel movement but instead were contractions from our little one. Our last speculation exam showed that our baby had begun making his/ her way down and into the world. I knew it was almost time. It was around midnight that we realized this. My husband and I called our immediate families and they came to be there just in case it would happen .. 

On July 22, 2016, at 26 weeks and 1 day  - a sunny, bright Friday morning, our daughter was born. We named her Haven Faith. I delivered her naturally, with minimal pain and thankfully an easy and fast labor. She was beautiful. 1lb & 11 ounces, 13 inches long with thick locks of black hair, brown eyes and the truest, cute Filipino nose. Her presence graced us on this side of Heaven for 4 hours until God called our daughter back home to him. In those 4 hours, she was held by many, loved on so much, prayed for, taken pictures of, and was even baptized. 

It's been 2 months and a couple of days since she's left and the pain is more alive than ever. She's all I think about. My heart always longing for her and my mind always wandering and dreaming of how differently my life could/ should/ would have been. Her should've been due date is quickly approaching. We would have been going on 35 weeks together. 

There's still so much pain. Fear. Anxiety. 

But there too, is also peace. Hope. Love. 

Some thoughts and questions that I have now being aware of my body's condition and how my future pregnancies and births will look like are: 

1. What have other angel mamas done in terms of coping and getting through the basic "everyday" life? 

2. How soon did you return to work? (I feel like it's going to be a long while until I have too)

3. Did attending and being a part of support groups help? 

4. How soon did you become pregnant again after your loss? (My husband and I have been talking about how excited and ready we were to finally be parents and how we individually and together have physical longings and aches to parent physically until we can reunite with our Haven) 

5. Is it normal to think of trying again during the grief period? And to also feel "ready" to try again?

All help, love, advice and prayers are deeply appreciated during this time. I also started a blog a couple of weeks after my daughter had passed to help with my healing process. To read more about our story it is www.anangelmamaandherblog.com. 

I've found so much hope and support here on this app so far and am excited to receive and also give hope and support back to you 💕

Haven Faith Mara Gavini 💕👼🏻

July 22, 2016