20w3d Loss; Vaginal Delivery

It's been one month since I delivered (9/1/16) our (rainbow) baby girl, Amina. We were out of town and I woke up that morning with continuous spotting (bright red). Concerned, I called my dula and nurse and was advised to go to the hospital to ensure that I didn't have a tear in my placenta. Little did I know that I had a premature rupture of membranes and that my cervix began to dilate. When the doctor checked me I was 4-5cm open and he witnessed the baby kick her foot through my cervix then retract it. I was hopeful that I could keep her inside longer if I began bed rest. I was told that I would need to be in the hospital for a minimum of ten weeks and would not be able to return to my home 8hrs away. I was prepared to stay as long as it took but within the hour my water broke. At that moment, I felt devastated and hopeless. Needless to say I was hysterically crying and hyperventilating at this point. I was moved upstairs to a birthing room and was told to wait for delivery to begin. I kept feeling the urge to poop and the nurse alerted the doctor. My cervix was checked and the doctor said only the baby could be felt. The staff asked me several times if  I wanted an epidural or morphine to stop the pain. This made me even more upset. I was already faced with the fact that they would not perform any intervention on my precious babies behalf and the thought of being drugged was an immediate no. I wanted to be able to remember as much as possible from her birth. She was born feet first. When I felt the first part of her emerge I was happy but then I remembered that she wasn't finished growing. I pushed her head out and screamed for the doctor to not cut the umbilical cord but I was completely ignored. The nurse took my baby to the corner of the room to clean her off (& kept her until her heart stopped beating). The sorrow of that day keeps me up at night & at times it's hard to breathe. I've cried until my eyes have gone dry. I hope for better days but the emptiness and pain are still there.