Too scared to test!

Erica • I`m 37 and had our 🌈 Baby on 1/9/2020 after having a Chemical Pregnancy and an Ectopic Pregnancy resulting in the loss of our twins in July of ‘17.
I am sooo scared to take a test. Been TTC for a year and each month I test it's negative or AF shows. This month is our first cycle using Clomid with a trigger shot. Had an sonogram done and had 2 beautiful eggs. It is now time for me to test as AF could show up at any moment and I'm terrified. I hate the rejection and pain I feel when I see not pregnant or don't see a second line... my heart is so broken that I can't make myself take the damn test. I feel like I am over the disappointment of seeing a negative pregancy test. I know I am not alone and that millions of women feel this way everyday. It's so hard to watch your best friends having their second child when all you want is your first! Or when your co-worker has been trying for 3 short months comes and shows you the video of her husbands reaction to finding out their are pregnant. I'm so ready for it to be me! But I cannot bring myself to take the damn test. The test that will more than likely disappoint me yet again. Praying that God gives me the strength to take the test! The one that at best would change me and my husbands lives forever. I AM SCARED!