Birth story

I had false labor for weeks... My little one dropped deep in my pelvis week 32, so everyone thought she would be early. I could reach inside and feel her head, and they said she was as low as she could be without crowning. I felt confident in my body to give birth, and was looking forward to giving birth to my daughter. So imagine my surprise after lots of regular contractions, 5 days overdue I am still waiting to go into labor. I had tried it all~ walking, sex, pineapple, spicy food, red raspberry tea, the cohoshs... No luck. +4 days over and I went to acupuncture and regular mild contractions started and don't stop. The next morning I used a breast pump and pumped on and off 15 min each for the length of a movie. This brought fairly intense contracting on- intense at that point anyways comparatively. My partner came home and we started bickering over something silly, both of us can't remember what now. We were in the bathroom when all of a sudden I felt a POP!! I think my water broke honey... Then nothing. Slightly discouraged again. 5 minutes later I'm in the kitchen when it all starts gushing out movie style. I don't know if the acupuncture or breast pump had anything to do with it but it did feel that way, my partner likes to take the credit though. There we were standing in a pool of clear fluid gushing excitement ourselves. The awaited day was here! In hindsight I would have spent this time enjoying my partner alone for the last time and slowed down. Once water breaks there's all this invisible pressure. Though we did take our time getting to the hospital, I took a walk with my best friend and stopped at the store. My man packed our bags- we were way overprepared. 

Oh sweetie you should call the doctor! Oh right... I totally forgot. Well we had only midwives up until this point and that's how we wanted it. We had met 4/5 and really liked 3/5 midwives. The one on the phone was the one we didn't love, she started right in about induction. We declined. She went on about it though. We stopped at Dunkin' Donuts on the way for treats for the staff. That night when we got to the hospital the first thing the nurse said to me was "we're gunna need a drug test" see it didn't bother me, because I've been clean and sober for 5 years, but I'm on subutex. It also didn't bother me because I was in labor but it annoyed my partner. The immediate judgement in health care. We did the first strip with the belt, the "20 minute one" aka 2 hours on the bed. Which didn't get me down, my labor was still young. Afterwards the midwife whom we hadn't met yet came in to talk to us. "So now we would like you to stop taking your subutex, and go into withdrawl, then in 12 hours start taking morphine." What???!!! No! My partner and I were baffled. No one had talked to us about any of this. Going into withdrawl during labor was the last thing I would like to do... So we declined and got an earful about how if I decided I wanted pain medication to cope my only option was to be the epidural (already knew that but was planning to go all natural) "well you just don't know how you will react to something you've never been through!" Ok thanks for the vote of confidence. We were not pleased. When my partner stuck up for me and said I was a tough girl, the midwife kind of snuffed like he hadn't really seen me in pain before. After 5 years together, he had, and what an assumption for anyone to make. What a negative start to things, but we weren't going to let it get us down... 

We left the hospital and had dinner in the town we were in. We came back and went to the postpartum room- which we were told during our prenatal care that during labor we would have access to both rooms. This was important to me because

Of the birthing tub and birth ball in the birth room. This was one of the first lies we encountered. My labor picked up around 11pm. I went into the shower to roll with the contractions which were immediately a lot more intense than I thought. There was no real resting period because my body felt like intense cramping during the 60 seconds in between my double contractions. But I breathed and moaned, my partner held

My hand through the shower curtain. Around 4am I said I thought I should get in the birthing tub so my partner went to tell the nurses. They started to fill the tub and he walked me down the hallway. They said they needed to do a quick test of my contractions and her heart rate with the belt. One of the reasons I chose this hospital was the wireless belt that was waterproof and allowed you to move freely during labor.  But no, I couldn't have that one. It didn't work as well as the regular belt. Funny, because I asked if even in an emergency could that belt be used and the answer was yes during our tour of the birth center. I was reclined on the bed, which to me was the absolute most uncomfortable position and the belt was pressing hard on my contracted belly. I started to panic. My contractions were so intense- get me an epidural!! (Even though I wanted to go all natural) the nurse said oh just wait to decide that until you get in the tub you will probably feel a lot better once you get in. Time went by, and I was tensing up more. When can I get in the tub?? I asked. You can't get out of this bed!! Your baby's heart rate is declining during contractions. Isn't that normal? Not this much. I started really freaking out. Do you feel like pushing? Maybe. They thought I was in transition. They checked me and I was only 2cm. I really feel like this is stalking my labor to be in this uncomfortable position, basically strapped to the bed. Can I at least stand? No. can I have an epidural to calm me down at least? No, that would drop your blood pressure and the baby's. We need to insert a catheter to make sure the baby has fluid. Even though I was still producing and leaking clear fluid. No, we can't insert a catherter because it would cause infection. I had to pee so bad but I wasn't allowed to the toilet. I was given a bed pan, but couldn't relax my muscles enough. The nurse gave me a towel to try and pee on. Nothing but intense pressure. We need to check you again. 3cm. You're having a c section. No no no, this isn't what I want! I want to be present for my baby's birth and for my baby. I don't want to be on painkillers. A woman OB came in after a lot of nurses and midwives shuffling in and out. She introduced herself. I said I had admired her story I had read. I made a lot of assumptions about who she was because of it, and they were wrong.You're having a c section because your baby is in danger if you don't. You could die. Sign this paper. The OB had to hold my hand for me to scribble. I felt at this point that there wasn't going to be a baby. I was so scared. Do you want a catheter now or when we go in to surgery? They gave my partner scrubs and wheeled me in alone. I finally felt a sense of relief I suppose that it was all going to be over. I felt excitement to possibly be meeting my baby soon. It was a long time coming. They had me bend over on the cold table and press my back into the spinal tap. It was important that I don't shake even though I was shaking so much. I prayed not to shake and breathed as deeply as I could. It worked. They transferred me from table to table. I remembered learning that transfer in nursing school. Can you feel this? No Can you feel the temperature of this? Ok... now can you? No. We're good to go.my partner came in and grabbed my hand. Do you want a clear drape to be able to see the baby come out? Yes! At first it was still a regular drape. My partner and I exchanged our intense love for each other at that moment, both crying. He made promises. We were crying. The drape lowered, he saw her being born then I saw a baby flying towards me. What a beautiful, tan little baby. "Want to hold your baby?" Yes! They put her on my chest and I instinctively reached to touch her. "DON'T TOUCH MY STERILE FIELD!!!!!" The OB screamed at me. I mean, seriously screamed. Sorry... no one had told me. My partner says everyone in the room was freaked out and silent. I could only look at the ceiling. She apologized a minute later and said what beautiful follopian tubes I had. "No, really, these are some of the best I've seen" ok... they put my baby on me, she was so warm. She wasn't crying, just talking. Then I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't want to throw up on her. They took her off me to go do their tests. She got a 9 on her apgar. I always wanted to be there for everything post birth with my daughter. In this moment though I was too numb to feel sad about missing it. She was all around perfect. "She looks like you mom" "she's perfect" "she's beautiful" my partner asked if he should go with her or stay with me. I didn't know, I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want her to be either. I pictured us all together. Go with her. I felt tired, so tired. I think I passed out. I think. It's hazy. Then we tried to nurse. She did for a couple seconds at least. They said it was nothing to worry about. I was falling in love with my little girl, but not in the way I had pictured. My intense mama bear full body passionate love came, but in increments. Now it comes full blast daily. But then I was in survival mode. I was in trauma mode. 10.3 weeks later I write this with my daughter on my chest, to get it out of our systems. To move on. She is apart of me, the best part. All she knows is me. She was ripped out of me. But we are okay. We are stronger because of our struggles together. I now know I know her better than anyone knows her. I didn't know that then. I lost my confidence as her mama when I didn't give birth to her in the way I had planned. But I'm gaining it back, every day. & every day our bond grows.