Waiting for my rainbow...

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. My husband and I went to England and Oktoberfest for a pre-baby bucket list check off. After we got back in September we got pregnant. We were scheduled to have our first ultrasound around 9 weeks. However on black Friday I started to have some spotting. It went away but by Sunday I was still have it intermittently and wanted to go to the ER to check it out. They confirmed that I was still pregnant and asks me again how far along I was(8w 4d) since the bloodwork looked a little off. But they sent me home saying that it was a threatened miscarriage and to follow-up with my OB on Monday. I napped and when I woke up, there was blood everywhere and the pain was unbearable after I woke up. So we went back and they confirmed that there was no more baby. It was the worst pain and heartbreak I've ever felt.

We had so many hopes and dreams for this little life that we haven't even seen yet. It was devastating on me and our marriage. How do you describe the physical feeling of growing a baby inside of you to your husband? There was a physical and psychological change that I experienced that he couldn't grasp because it wasn't as real since there was no ultrasound or hearing of the heartbeat. I got my first period right before new year's. So we decided to try again but every period that came through me into a deeper depression and made me more angry. There's no reason that they could give to our miscarriage and that still hurts to this day. I need to be in control and know why things happen, so it's hard to not know why it happened.

Around March my two week wait was about up and I took a pregnancy test thinking I was pregnant because I felt like I did when I found out I was pregnant the first time. But it was negative. My body had tricked me and I felt so upset. I kept thinking if I did the OPKs and timed sex, we would for sure get pregnant again. By July I decided that we needed to see a fertility specialist. We did all of our testing and everything came back pretty much normal. There may be a luteal phase defect in me since I spot 2-4 days before every period since my miscarriage. I never spotted before. So we did our first round of IUI with Femara and got inseminated on Tuesday. I'm excited and hopeful but I'm scared out of my mind that this won't work. That there's something else wrong with me and we won't be able to have our own baby out of my body. I would be completely happy with any baby I can call my own. But how much money do you put into having your own? How come it's so easy for some people to get pregnant without medical intervention? Why did I spend 10 years on birth control if I can't even get pregnant on my own? Our bodies are crazy things and it's hard to go from hormones to no hormones and dealing with ovulation pain. The only way to get rid of it is to get pregnant or be on birth control. It's just so hard and I feel alone. All the women I know who have lost a baby now have their own rainbow babies or multiple children. I hope I can get to that part but I honestly didn't think I would still be trying for my rainbow a year later.

The 15th is when I can test for my BFP or BFN. It's going to be an excruciating two weeks and I feel like I can't distract myself. I want to have hope and be excited. But I'm worried about going into my depression again if it's negative. Any kind words or suggestions on how you got through it would be amazing. I just feel alone even though I know many people have been through it. I don't feel like the end is in sight. I also realize that we haven't been trying as long as others. Even though I'm 27, I still feel like my clock is ticking and I want like 3-4 kids so that's going to put my later babies closer to the 35 age mark. So I do want to start my family since I've been married three years, my spouse and I have stable careers and are in a good place in our marriage. I just want to grow our family and give them the love I have to give. Plus these fertility hormones are no joke and make me super moody. Lol Come on 🌈👶! And good luck to all the ladies still trying for a baby of any number. Baby dust to all!