Disclaimer: This post might be triggering for some people that feel the same way. And it might be long.

I know this whole post might never get fully read but I feel like I need to vent.

I never talked to anyone about this as I think this is something that i am sure everyone goes through at some point of their life, the reason I bring it up it is because I felt like this my whole life but felt ashamed to talk about it with family and friends.

Anyway, I will be getting married next friday to the love of my life, being supposed to be one of the happiest moments of ones life, I feel the opposite, I am anxious, I cannot sleep at night and all I can think of is PHOTOS and how scared I am of taking them. Stupid right? Yeah I know but I cannot get my mind off of it. I am 23 years old and I always hated the way my face looks. I do not like the shape of my face and I hate everything about it, my cheeks, hooded eyes, lips shape and EVERYTHING, because of that I tend to never take pictures, after the age of 12 I avoided everyone with a camera, I had a sweet 16 party, had a photography team hired by my mom and never got the pictures nor an album because I knew Id hate them. There are days that I am feeling myself, that I do my makeup for hours, look what I see in the mirror and leave the house happy, and there are days that I had to forcibly take that picture with my mother in law and SHOCK "do I look this ugly? It didnt look like my face was this round and fat when I last saw it in the mirror, why do I look 12?" and then I stay depressed for weeks, and I mean DEPRESSED, I dont want to leave the house, I cry to get out of bed, I will wear a scarf covering half of my face when its 100 degrees out and I cry at the self checkout at walmart cause I saw my ugliness in their cameras. I had the same problem with my body, i was 5'4 and 95 pounds, after struggling with anorexia I am today happily at 120 pounds, i accepted my body and its flaws and I even dig it now but not my face, even when I was 90 pounds my face never lost that baby fat and today I blame that as part of my insecurities and the thought that I will NEVER be able to get rid of it (im 23yo already) makes me sad. Whenever I take a selfie, I have to take 300 of them and pick the one that looks the least like me. When I was a kid I was called ugly many times but at that age it didnt bother me as much, at 16 I had extremely hot men asking me to make out (asking for kisses and more when you have never met someone is a thing in Brazil lol) which would make me so confused cause i felt so ducking ugly. I had people tell me I look cute and I had people tell me I look ugly, I always feel ugly around other females and I always compare myself to them and always see myself as the ugliest. I see everyone else as beautiful, i can appreciate everyone's features but mine. I cannot recognize myself on my own skin, whenever I see a picture of myself it is like I am looking at someone else that I dislike and not really me. I tried to buy a camera, I thought that maybe I needed to get used to how I look I tried to film me inside the house doing daily activities and I cannot recognize and accept myself when I watch them, I am ugly, weird and strange.

I know it sounds extremely stupid to some of you but this is consuming me because I know these wedding pictures are gonna be all over facebook and it freaks me out. I feel like I could had been a much happier person if I looked good, If I wasnt ashamed of leaving the house because of the way I looked, If I had those pictures with my best friends or even pictures with my ex that remind me of a different time. I have no family, work, high school, college pictures or even an album. I know i will never want to look at my wedding pictures and it makes me so sad because I am so in love with my fiancee but it cannot overcome my feeling.

I dont know what to do :/