Does the pain ever go away? (Warning: Possibly triggering and slightly graphic)
To start, a little background:
I'm an intersex transgender woman(I have mixed anatomy and was raised as the wrong gender) who struggles with autism(I'm on the Asperger's side of the spectrum). I was raped in April and June of 2015 by different men in different situations.
In April, I was just getting my life together after turning 18 and finally having control over my own medical decisions. I was still very much not in control of my own body and did not look quite as womanly as I do today. I was homeless at the time after running away from an abusive home situation and looking for work while also desperately trying to finish high school. I was ditching school at the mall handing out resumes and went to go use the restroom in a back area. I wanted to stay away from people as best I could because I had been experiencing a lot of harassment. I saw a couple guys I recognized from school in that back area and they started harassing me and cornered me back there. They started hitting me in the gut and kicking me when I fell over. I couldn't breath. I couldn't move. I was frozen in fear. They dragged me into one of the restrooms and locked the door. They kept kicking me and calling me all kinds of names. Then they held me down and I started blacking out. I couldn't breath. All I remember is sudden pain and the realization that I was being raped. Afterwards, I came to in a pool of my own urine and blood. I went straight to my car and took the last of my money and rented an apartment I had been looking at out. I had a big bruise across my belly and everything hurt everywhere. I spent the next week trying to wash it all away in the bath and sleeping. There were several days where the only thing I did was sit in the bath with my knife and seriously consider killing myself. Those were truly the darkest days of my life. I stopped going to school except to pick up my diploma (I didn't even walk). I stopped talking to my friends and I stopped going out to look for work. I lost my appetite. I lost interest in doing anything. I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.
Come June, I went out to get food and medication. I had no money for gas so I walked to the store. I was very depressed and not thinking straight. It was so stupid of me. It started to get very late and I got scared. This guy started following me and I started to cry. He stopped me and then said everything would be alright. He said he was a cop, flashed a badge and said that I was very pretty and shouldn't be out walking alone. He asked if anyone knew where I was. I didn't answer. He asked what I was doing out so late. I didn't answer. He said he liked me a lot. Then he kissed me and I guess my fight or flight kicked in and I started fighting him. He pulled a gun and pushed me against the wall. I was terrified. I was panicking. My vision went black and I felt like I was suffocating. Then I felt that pain. That awful gut wrenching pain. I couldn't breath. I couldn't do anything.
I felt so ashamed cause I couldn't do anything. Nobody cared. They either didn't believe me or thought I deserved it because I'm a "faggot". It hurts sooo bad some days. I try to be strong and help other people, but sometimes I just can't do it. I feel broken and alone and hurt and nobody seems to care... A few people say they do, like my boyfriend, but I just can't bring myself to trust them. I've tried counseling, I've tried everything. I just can't seem to feel good anymore. Maybe it's just my depression and PTSD but everything feels so hopeless.
I just wanted to say that even though everything sucks, I'm still trying. I'm not gonna give up. Neither should you. Just looking for a light in the darkness. Can't seem to find one though....
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