Getting Married With Religious Parents?

Question

So my boyfriend and I are engaged and both of our families know about it. His family is scrictly catholic and my family is like baptist and whatever the one is where you believe in speaking in tongues? I know it has a name. I think it starts with a P. Protestant? Presbyterian? Idk they keep changing it. I'll just say they're your basic strict Christian parents who won't stop talking about Jesus every 5 seconds and occasionally talk in jibberish when they pray.

Also, my parents have no idea that I'm an atheist, so playing it off even after being an atheist since I was 15-ish is still quite difficult since I'm very honest, for the most part. My boyfriend's parents already know that he's non-religious even though they extremely disapprove and discriminate against him compared to his other siblings because of it and call him a "failed child."
     The reason my parents don't know I'm an atheist is basically for my own personal safety cause my dad, specifically, gets VERY violent when it comes to either atheism or even LGBT. He's beaten the shit out of a man just for being gay before, and when he found out my 14 year old friend who had sex for the first time got pregnant and her mom had her abort it since, you know, she was still a child, he cried for hours and got so angry that he punched a hole in the wall. So for those reasons and given that I have nowhere else to go currently, I'm going to assume that I won't be safe if they find out.

Now that I have the major family details out of the way, we have a wedding kind of planned out. Like we have the same interests and that's all we've ever talked about, but no actual detailed plan or anything cause it's not gonna happen for maybe another 4 years and our engagement is quite recent anyway.

Ever since I got engaged, my mom has been constantly talking about the wedding and asking what church I want to be married at and I told her I don't want to be married at a church (it's my worst fucking nightmare) or even the state I live in currently (which is Virginia btw and I hate this state) and she was shocked. The conversation pretty much stopped there and she hasn't brought up any wedding questions since.

So, now that you guys know all of this, I want some advice for when the time comes and neither of us want our parents there. I don't want a minister, either. I don't want someone to read our vows from the Bible. I want nothing to do with religion at our wedding. I just want it to be a party and a celebration for us basically getting more benefits under the law 😂

I mean, they're probably gonna be devastated, so I don't want to exactly say don't come (REALLY wish they wouldn't), but if they do come, then idk what to do, because they'd just be bitching and complaining the entire time about how it's not religious or traditional and they'd be talking about god to our friends and shit and they'd just ruin the entire vibe. We want a victorian steampunk wedding where everyone who attends has to dress vitorian and/or steampunk so idk what my boyfriend has told his parents but I've told mine that much and their response was basically "wtf is that" and my mom's like "I'll dress however I want" and I was like "then you won't be allowed to my wedding" and she huffed off somewhere else.

So any advice for this mess of an essay I just typed? I do apologize for it being a mess, but I'm terrible at explaining things, so I hope you guys can give me some good advice or just ask questions if you need anymore information. I appreciate it a lot if you actually read all of this!

Answer

Hi. I'm engaged too. I've come to realize that you can't make everyone happy. I wanted to elope, parents were upset, so I agree to a wedding. Then last minute after we already start planning and found a venue, they tell me they won't pay for a wedding that is not Christian- so we cancelled. I had to choose, and I chose to fuck the wedding and have the non religious ceremony I want and elope. You can have whatever wedding you want as long as YOU are paying for it. And if you aren't, watch out for the curve balls like the one my parents threw me. I wouldn't compromise the ceremony. You want a ceremony that you take seriously that is personal to you.

Answer

Honestly, if your family is going to make a fuss about you not getting married in a religious ceremony, I wouldn't include them in the planning at all.  Hell, I would be inclined to say eloping seems like the best option given that you have a parent that seems to have abusive tendencies when it comes to religion... but I totally understand that they are your parents and you want them to be part of your day.  I would just be cautious about sharing the details of the ceremony with them.  Find an officiant who has no problem doing a non religious ceremony, tell your parents you've already found an officiant and don't want any suggestions about that at all, and that will take care of that... they might not even realize that you're not having a religious ceremony unless they expect it to be an hour long.

Answer

I'd do a destination wedding somewhere kinda expensive so most of your family won't come but friends will... Maybe on a beach somewhere. Then you wouldn't have to explain anything... Maybe wear a tropical dress and he can wear linen.

Answer

Get married at a courthouse and have a reception and party afterwards

Answer

Well I think you answered your own question in the first paragraph. I couldn’t finish reading the post because all that first paragraph said was “I don’t give a fuck.” Just plan your wedding and do what you want and have a nondenominational service wherever you want it to be.

Answer

Quite an essay indeed. It looks like you have plenty of time still, so I wouldn't fight over it with your family just yet. Although it seems it's either elope or do it their way.

Answer

My husband and I ended up deciding to elope without telling anyone.   It was just the two of us and the standard vows at the court house where we went were very non-religious.  My only regret doing it that way was not having someone there to take a few pictures.   We had a reception/celebration/announcement later which could totally be a fun, themed party.

Answer

You have two big options. Try and bring them with you, or cut and run. If it is the former you can start testing how far they can come with (very) little comments flagging difference, or big signs. Write down what they say and you say. Heaps of "I love you and I am sorry you are feeling sad (acknowledge their feelings) but I think ... (separating your compassion and care for them from what you do and believe). These two things are separate. You might be better able to decide how to proceed if you have spent more time "teaching" them that they are separate issues...their feelings and your thoughts...  or you might just get hurt.

Getting Married With Religious Parents?

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