have you ever ?

Like someone so much to the point where it makes you get knots in your stomach. The feeling of sometimes butterflies. But when I see his face I forget about my sexual assuault with my ex. I forget about my almost being beaten up by my first boyfriend. But then all those emotions go away because it's just I know that I'm not the girl he wants. I am for sure he barely thinks of me. Because when he looks at me he sees just the fat black girl with the ugly voice and ugly skin. So now I'm basically gonna be trying to forget about him and I'm gonna move on. Because I  need to look at him and not get those emotions