Is there still hope this month?

I feel like I'm going crazy. We aren't exactly trying but we aren't not trying either if that makes sense. More of an "if it happens, it happens" kind of thing. I've been ok with that, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a tiny twinge of disappointment when AF comes every month. This month things are different. I think because I just lost my grandma that basically raised me (I don't have a mom, she was it). And I think it just hit me more than ever that I want this to happen. This all occurred after my fertile window this month had already passed, and we had sex during the window at least once (the timing is only reason I haven't talked to my boyfriend yet about wanting to start trying actively, I plan to if it turns out to be nothing.)
Anyway, last period started 11/25, and I'm like 95% positive I ovulated on the 8th. On 12/17 (9dpo) I felt just all around "off" with some cramping and nausea. I think I convinced myself that these were implantation symptoms and now I am so scared to have my hopes let down. I started testing the next day (10dpo) and again today (11dpo), both BFN. Is there still even hope? AF is due on 12/21. I don't know, I feel like I see VERY faint hint of a line but I think it's all in my head. I don't want to drive myself insane with testing but man I want this more than ever.
Has anyone gotten a BFN this close to AF that turned out to be positive?